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Thu 12/06/2007
Coming to Grips with an Imperfect World
Topic: Power
So what do we teach the children when awful things happen? How do we protect them? And still make them feel confident, with a healthy sense of power? Maybe we answer the first question only after we’ve come to grips with the next two. Coming to grips starts by re-learning. A lot of things. Things that we took for granted, things maybe taught to us by parents who were doing the best they could. Maybe things some of us older folks have already taught our children in our own ignorance, leaving them with work to do even as we are doing the same. Things that must be torn apart and reconstructed. In fact, reconstructing and reconnecting are the two most important processes that are required when we face the truth about the past, the present, or the future. The truth is simply that there are NO perfect places or times. Neither are there any perfect weeks. Rarely any days we’d call perfect. Certainly no perfect people either. Yet we all hold to the fantasy that these exist and there is something seriously flawed with our situation or with us because we haven’t experienced or achieved perfection. The world has cheated us, we may think. Chichewa, the language that I adopted as my second, has one word to debunk all of this: “Bodza!” To put it in English: “It’s a bald-faced lie!” In a perfect world, there would be no mall shootings, no abuse of children or vulnerable adults. Professionals would keep perfect boundaries and have no ethical questions about what should be done with those who do not keep them. Problem is that we fail to accept what Jesus seemed to be trying to teach us about the perfect world. It doesn’t exist! The Kingdom of God is the perfect world. We all have moments when we are consciously not being impacted by the imperfect world. They are only moments, though. Like right now, as I sit watching heavy snow falling in the forest behind me, taking in the peaceful Christmas carols being brought to me, through a CD, by artists I’ll never meet. In the forest, I saw two deer and a black squirrel running around just a few minutes ago, seemingly undaunted by the cold. Like those animals, I am safe and pleasantly warm because I have the resources to make my world that way. While praying for ways to focus on a wider world as I enlarge my vision and prepare for this afternoon when I plan to venture out to meet the children who are having to cope with difficult lessons from just yesterday.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 11:24 AM CST
Shock in Omaha
Topic: Power
Yesterday afternoon, while I was walking in another mall just a half-hour's drive away, nine people were shot and killled at Westroads. That's the name of an Omaha mall I visit several times a year, often going into Von Maur just to enjoy the ambience created by the live pianist who plays the shiny, white baby grand near the escalator. It's not just the dead who concern us now. The names have not even been released, so we are all wondering whether we have friends among the fatalities. Or if we'll need to comfort people we know who have lost loved ones while Christmas shopping. With years of experience in working with traumatized children as a mental health nurse, my heart goes out to some little victims who have only been casually mentioned so far on the news: The little children who were there shopping with their mothers. For the rest of their lives, whenever they go shopping, will they be hearing forty gunshots and see adults diving into clothes racks as they scream in terror, trying to keep from being the next target? There is concern for some who are critically wounded. We all know that the number dead may soon rise. The entire community is in shock. Especially since it is impossible to deny that the most privileged in the metro could easily have been a victim of this tragedy. Bystanders who witnessed all of it were placed in lockdown until police had a chance to interview all of them. Several, just waiting around and still trembling, were interviewed. "We just went into the store, thinking we were going to do something that would make the holidays bright for others. Now, we feel lucky just to be walking out. Our lives have been forever changed." That's what they said in essence, as I pieced together phrases into a collective summary. Today the mall is shut down. The bodies are still inside. The whole community waits anxiously and mourns. I first heard the news from one of my young students, soon after returning from my walk. He'd picked it up on the radio, when the sketchy reports were that there was one fatality. That was before police even got in and found the carnage. A kid, giving me news like this, seems surreal. This isn't something kids are supposed to have to hear. Especially about a store that they know so well. What do we say to comfort them when they come down off of the "high" created in their kid-like fashion because Omaha has made national news? These kids haven't even learned how to mourn yet. Most do not know how much lives are forever changed by all of this, including their own. One little girl seemed to know better than most. Her aunt had left the store, in the small area even, where the shooting took place only ten minutes before the troubled gunman entered! As in times past, especially the Oklahoma City bombing that occurred in a building where my daughter narrowly missed a 9 a.m. appointment in the deadliest section of that place, the questions about surviving and coping come back to me in regard to what I've experienced at the hands of church terrorists. In events with which most people seem incapable of finding identity. My husband's first comment to me was powerful. It was nothing close to what I heard throughout the evening, from every family I saw in the course of teaching. It may not be what a lot of those families would think appropriate, yet it's the truth. "....No one seems to care about the multitude who have been shot in North Omaha this past year" North Omaha has had a growing carnage. It's the area of the seriously disadvantaged. Mostly African-American. Since most advantaged people seldom visit, what happens there seems to be happening in another world. Will anyone see the correlation between the two scenes, where the death and destruction is coming from troubled young men who FEEL powerless? I hope so. I have my doubts.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 8:23 AM CST
Updated: Thu 12/06/2007 8:32 AM CST
Wed 12/05/2007
The Scariest Opportunity
Topic: Stained Glass
"Kids are such a study in conflict and comparison and contrast. Raising them is an adventure I’m sure I’m not prepared for. It’s a scary, scary thing." That's a quote from a good friend and survivor with two youngsters. Even for people who have the "luxury" of living a boring life, people who seem to have been born with everything in order, a silver spoon in their psychological makeup, with parents who had the same. People who know just where they are going or not going, so that nothing much ever has to change except for death and taxes. The latter over which we have little control at all, the former we just may be able to forestall for years with healthy living. You probably have already discovered that I don't think a boring life is much of a luxury. It may provide some stability for kids, provided it's in a stable location. Yet I'm not sure those kids are prepared for many real challenges. The problem with abuse and violence is that it comes from outside. Unless we are the abusers. So, as parents, we aren't creating challenges that have the potential for learning and growth. Or at least we are challenged in trying to do that as others are creating challenges that have the potential to destroy us or our loved ones. Recently one of my readers asked for guidance on just how to navigate all of this, in regard to the church and spiritual growth of children. That's an area that may create conflict with a spouse. Or just internal conflict, as you compare the situation of your offspring, having to deal with the extra burden (or maybe it's the extra opportunity) that comes when you have found the courage to stand up to things that are far from okay. While thinking on these things, may I remind you that you are leading your children in a potentially positive way and in a very spiritual exercise, as role models, by choosing not to be so boring yourself.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Updated: Thu 12/06/2007 7:41 AM CST
Tue 12/04/2007
The Challenges and Blessings of the Spouse
Topic: Stained Glass
Early in my years of advocacy, I met a middle-aged survivor who had never married. She felt that her survival journey had been less painful because she had not had to deal with a spouse who might have different sets of preferences for her difficult decisions. It's hard to know if she was correct or not. After all, one cannot see the other side of things with complete objectivity. We always see our situation through a glass darkened by our experience. It could also have depended on the individual's outlook. She could just have easily said that it would have been so much easier if she had had a spouse to share the burdens. Vice versa, too, for those who are married or have a stable significant other. There are pro's and con's to either situation. Even the healthiest of marriages seem to need a degree of space whenever a crisis comes along. In order to insure that the other(s) in the family are being nurtured, but not smothered. A difficult road to navigate for sure! For the next few days, I'll be examining the growth opportunities, as well as the pitfalls, that come with close relationships of survivors and advocates. Not just with spouses, but with children who are bystanders, even if not direct victims. It seems especially timely because all of this often seems to be more pronounced as the holidays occur.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Updated: Tue 12/04/2007 7:53 AM CST
Mon 12/03/2007
The Necessity of an Enlarging Tiospaye
Topic: Stained Glass
Let's go back to that stained glass that got shattered, the glass that we are in process of reassembling. Sometimes it refers to family, but sometimes it refers to friendships. Often for readers of this blog, it involves relationships at church. Or the institution itself. As we take stock, preparing to move from indecision and doubt toward a life where we are able to trust ourselves and build stronger lives, it soon becomes evident that we are in process of evaluating many of our past and present relationships. It can feel a lot like a divorce. One difference, though, is that a person can stay forever divorced and never marry again. By contrast, one cannot stay forever "divorced" from all relationships. It takes time to decide what we treasure and what we abhor in people. Especially if we are in the process of so much change in our thinking that the qualities we treasure or abhor seem to change themselves. On a daily basis! Recently I found a delightful new word. Tiospaye. It has to do with all of the people or resources on which we can draw when we have a need. With a well-developed tiospaye, we are going to have a variety of people. Some professional, some just good friends or reliable family members. Some will be helpful when we need to discuss a financial issue. Others on a parenting issue. And so on. Nobody can fulfill all of our needs, and that's often where we get side-tracked as we turn to people who aren't prepared to address certain needs or issues, whether they think they can or not. For many years, I expected to be able to get all of my needs met by people in the faith community. Today I don't even consider whether they are people of faith in most matters. I want to know how likely they are to be relatively reliable in understanding certain problems. How has your own tiospaye changed in the past ten years? Has it grown or shrunk? Is it adequate for your current needs, especially when it comes to spiritual or emotional issues? How important is the church to you in your tiospaye? If it has become less important, how have you been able to find replacements for the individuals who provided you with a sense of security? Is your stained glass today more beautiful, despite the shattering it has experienced, or is it more like a drab broken window?
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Updated: Mon 12/03/2007 7:22 AM CST
Sun 12/02/2007
The Other Ditch--Inaction
Topic: spirituality
As humans, the biggest mistakes we make seem to be in failing to make a decision at all--inaction, almost always born out of fear and ignorance, IS a decision. And that's too much like the false god that most of the world worships because of a limited vision.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Fri 11/30/2007
The Problems of Magical Thinking
My friend, in her own contemplation, has ME thinking--that's the way it works, as we literally stand in wonder and awe together, finding discomfort only in those who need God to be a physical body, a body who works miracles as we understand miracles. In other words, magic! If we want a magic show, I'm afraid we'll have to just pay to see one. Meanwhile, the magic comes when we make wise decisions that serve as interventions.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Thu 11/29/2007
Post-Modern Theology
Topic: spirituality
In our post-modern world, that began with World War II and the atrocities of the Holocaust, many things are called into question by thinking people. One is our ability to have a personal relationship with a God we have always seen as "loving." I still believe we can have a very personal relationship with God, and I believe that God IS loving. However......If God is a Spirit, we can't reach out and touch a spirit, and neither can a spirit do that with us, in a physical way. I believe that's the "boat" that most of us have missed for most/all of our lives. It's what the churches fail to "see." In fundamentalism and all of the fundamentalist theology that's wrapped up even in churches that claim NOT to be fundamentalist, people often feel that they need to literally see. Where there is literal seeing, there is no faith at all. I believe that's why we aren't intended to figure it all out. God (as I understand that term) wants us to be content with the mystery, just relaxing and letting the Spirit flow through us to others. We vex about it all--as if our human fretting would somehow make us equal with God, transcending even God!! As I understand it, wonder is a spiritual exercise. So is doubting. To fully expect to understand it all, however, is breaking the first commandment. Understanding becomes the god before the truly spiritual God that doesn't give us all the answers. Yet it's very, very hard for wounded people to be in a vulnerable, child-like position, trusting what we do not understand to something or someone that is beyond us. It's so much easier to be angry that God refuses to be made into some perfect image that we envision. As we see through a glass darkly, without the benefit of a powerful optical zoom lens.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Updated: Wed 11/28/2007 11:07 PM CST
Wed 11/28/2007
Realistic Expectations for a Spirit
Topic: spirituality
A few days ago, a lady I really respect was corresponding with me about some of her personal faith issues and previous expectations of God. Like most of us, she had wrestled long and hard with an old faith question that comes up in many arenas, whenever bad things happen to good people. It goes something like this: "Why would a loving God, being a parent, not step in and stop things that are happening to His precious children?" I have long believed that this question, along with the many hours spent in trying to answer it, is born out of a faulty theology that is woven into the limited understanding that most of the world seems to have whenever we look at God as Father or parent of any gender. Physical parents, we tend to understand more--we can see them and draw conclusions based on those observations. We have a personal relationship with our parents, whether it's a healthy one or not. To have a healthy relationship with a Spirit, we must see that "parent" (if that's how we choose to experience God) AS a Spirit. Survivors of horror, when using honest logic instead of rote and rhetoric, have to find ways to resolve the old issues that render the old theological understandings useless. This is especially difficult when all of the theologians we know are wrapped up in preserving the old.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Updated: Thu 11/15/2007 8:37 AM CST
Tue 11/20/2007
Thankful to Be an Alien
Topic: Aliens
As we prepare to take a break, for the purpose of Thanksgiving, I want to put on my list of blessings an item that may sound totally goofy. I'm so grateful to be on the list of aliens that are daring to accept the challenge of looking deeply within, while challenging others to do the same in the hopes of creating a world that is able to look beyond narrow parameters or geographical borders. May we see beyond ourselves this holiday. And for those of you who reside outside the small world of America, may you understand that our need to take this time to reflect is important to many of us because we DO want to see beyond ourselves. To understand that even the survivor movement itself can be narrowly focused and narcissistic, as we come to a deeper understanding that what is a spec in our own eye is like a log to others, blinding us from seeing and blinding them from looking into the crevice of our very souls to see beauty in spite of the terrors we have witnessed. True Thanksgiving leads us to see the tragedies that we have NOT faced and to be grateful for the blessings reflected in what we still can hold and the pleasures that nobody can take away. I'm not going to be writing again until the 28th. For the next week, I'm going to be literally holding precious treasures in my arms. They will include my three youngest grandchildren, one who is coming to visit us for the first time without his parents. Happy Thanksgiving to each of you, no matter what you are holding dear.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Updated: Thu 11/15/2007 8:03 AM CST
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