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Fri 12/21/2007
Counter-Culture for the Holidays?
Topic: Christmas
Come January, if you ask most kids about their Christmas, they’ll talk about what they got from Santa Claus or their parents. That’s the first thing that comes to mind for children. That’s where they go with the word association that comes with “How was your Christmas?” It’s so hard, in a capitalistic world, to not focus on external things. After all, we depend on sales being up almost as much as we depend on electricity. Having lived in a world that didn’t care about either, I’m torn between what I’ve known most of my life and what I knew in my adopted country of Malawi. Always aware that I have a wider array of choices in my awareness because of that international experience that seeped into the fragment of my being. Since returning to the United States in 1987, I have tried to live a somewhat counter-culture existence when it comes to the holidays. Instead of joining the rush of shoppers in December, my preference is the hibernate. Partly because I’ve never liked procrastinating. Or crowds. Nor do I really like a lot of rituals. I’d prefer that every day of my life, at least in some small way, be filled with something I do differently than ever before. So December is a time to reflect for me, to keep things as simple as possible most years, to look at all the things I do not need, and to focus on relationships and self-improvement so that the coming year will be filled with the hope created by the spiritual renewal that was what I believe Christ really wanted to bring to us.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Thu 12/20/2007
Selective Memory--a Coping Skill for Christmas
Topic: Christmas
And then, one morning last week, I experienced such a moment when power and love and sorrow and peace and joy all seemed to settle in at once. In the course of an hour, I found myself crying and laughing, joking and voicing compassion with loved ones. It happened when a dear aunt called to tell me of the death of the sister of another dear aunt, the latter with whom I have no biological connection since she came into our family by marriage. While I never met the beloved sister of Aunt Jan, I’ve known that the sister has been critically ill for some time. In the sweet conversations with my aunts, we talked about how difficult it is to have lost someone dear at holiday time. My biological aunt reminded that my grandmother, only 48, had died suddenly two weeks before Christmas, way back in 1948, making every Christmas since a bittersweet time for those who loved her. The same has been true for my mother, who lost a sister only a year older than she, when she was only in 4th grade. Yet, even though the loss had come only a few hours earlier the morning I received last week’s call, Aunt Jan wanted to focus most on the great times she’d had with her sister in the past few days. Her life had been filled with good stories and memories, and that’s what mattered so much. As we prepare for Christmas, may we use selective memory--focusing not on the times when we felt powerless and sorrow. Yet, even as those times come to mind, as they inevitably will, may we focus on the power and love and peace and joy that remains in us because of the Spirit of God that can be found in each of us.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Wed 12/19/2007
Power Failure and Other Powers
Topic: Christmas
A few days ago we experienced power failure in many parts of the Midwest. Electrical power failure that is. A power most of us cannot begin to understand, but we use it every day. It makes life convenient. Without it, we find our existence altered. Yet people existed without electricity for most of history. They would have laughed to even think of the possibilities that exist for us because of this very scientific invention! It began effecting our family first in Oklahoma. While their family never lost power, close neighbors did. So their comfort and survival became a concern of our daughter who was trying to meet the needs of her own household. Schools were closed. I think some still are. A few days later the ice hit Kansas City hard. Our son took time off work to care for his preschool daughters, using the time to bake and decorate sugar cookies. Until their power failed! That’s when the family had to draw on their own internal power--the power of problem-solving. To stay warm and sustain themselves, a fire was built in the fireplace where the girls curled up together and slept all night, perhaps making memories that will remain in their young minds as treasures of togetherness. No doubt, knowing that family, with a fair amount of humor, too, somehow. And gratitude that they all were able to get safely to school and work the next morning, where there WAS power. Strangely, as I waited for news and watched the weather predictions and reports of spotty power failures here in Iowa, I began thinking of what power has to do with Christmas. Not the electrical power, of course, but power to change things. Especially to change us. Power to change us so that WE become the change that we long to see in this world. Including the power to accept the things we cannot change. To adapt to those things and find joy in spite of whatever the circumstances. It occurred to me that the most blessed Christmases may be those when we are drawn closer because of the unexpected, unfortunate, or even the unwelcome challenges that life brings us.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Tue 12/18/2007
My Favorite Carol
Topic: Christmas
I played it recently to start off our Christmas recital, only days after the mall shooting here. Because I thought it was especially pertinent. More pertinent because of the story that brought it to us. The story of the writer of the words, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day" is American--I had always assumed it to be European. The message came from deep inside Longfellow in 1864, months before the Civil War ended. Not only was Longfellow against the war and saddened when his son went off to fight, his agony was multiplied because that son had recently been seriously injured. It was an injury that left him crippled. Yet the war and his son's condition had not started the writer's despondency. That had occurred when he'd lost his second wife to an untimely death, leaving him with a houseful of children to raise. The event of her death had been so traumatizing that he must have suffered from PTSD for years afterwards, perhaps still at the time of writing this carol. This wife had set her dress on fire by accident while in the room with their children. She'd run to him in her terror, where he was working in his study. Longfellow had tried desperately, but in vain, to save her. In the process, he'd been seriously burned himself, so seriously that he had not even been able to attend the funeral as his children mourned this sudden loss. It wasn't his first loss of a wife. Decades earlier, his first wife had died of a sudden illness at a very young age. The raging war seemed to be nowhere near the end that Christmas Eve when he sat down to write "for hate is strong and mocks the song." Yet, somehow he found enough sanity to look at possibilities that must have seemed totally idealistic that Dec. 24th. Somehow he found enough faith to state his belief: "God is not dead, nor does He sleep. The wrong shall fail, the right prevail, with peace on earth, good will to men!" OK--maybe it's way too idealistic for how you are feeling today. Maybe you can't tolerate the traditional way of envisioning God. Nor the gender issues of the words themselves. Some of it bothers me at times, too, I'll admit. For 1964, with a brilliant man who had sustained great losses and could only envision something in his fantasies, it still gives me a lift each time I hear it. More so, each time I play it. So what carol are you most likely to "play" this year?
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Mon 12/17/2007
The Funniest Christmas
Topic: Christmas
Normally, I like to have plans made in advance. Especially at Christmas. Always have except for one year. That was the year we started out the door, only to met by two other missionary families who were about to knock on our door. To sit at our table for Christmas dinner. While we were thinking that we'd agreed to go to one of their houses!! Not to worry. It wasn't the first time they'd been to my house when everything wasn't ready for company. It didn't matter that the floors weren't spic and span. Or that I'd left dishes in the sink from making whatever I was taking to to contribute to the feast. (Maybe potato salad. I don't remember.) Fortunately, we had the meal planned, complete with assignments for each of us to round out a dinner as American as could be assembled in central Africa. "Give me fifteen minutes," I pleaded. "The tablecloths aren't ironed, and I refuse to put anyone at my table for Christmas without at least a tablecloth. If I'd known they were coming to my place, I would have spent a couple of days getting ready. Same would have been true for Judy, the lady I thought was to be the hostess. It reminded me that many things we do for the holidays do not matter one iota. In the end, who really cares? That Christmas was more fun than the potato salad year. A little cooler, too, fortunately.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Sun 12/16/2007
A Special Christmas
Topic: Christmas
Today I asked my neighbor if she could remember an extra special Christmas she had known, perhaps with her two daughters growing up. My neighbor was a single mother most of those years. Sadly, Christmas wasn’t often very merry because one of her daughters was often ill much of the winter with a chronic condition. So when she thinks of Christmas in those years, especially when she looks back at photos, she sees that little sick girl in almost every one. Often when I ask people about Christmases past, I get a report on whether they had an abundance of gifts or not. For many survivors, it’s not the gifts that come first to mind. It may be years of depression and suffering that seemed to get worse during holiday seasons. For some who grew up with alcohol as a big problem, things were even more unpredictable during the holidays when addicts often tend to turn to their fixes for a perceived help to get through the reminders of how things aren’t as they are “supposed to be.” Maybe you will recall something unusual or funny that happened one year. I do. Two different years. Both in Africa. These are the two most likely stories you’ll hear when you come to our family celebrations today. Our daughter says these were her favorite memories, in fact. The rains almost always come before Christmas in central Africa. Not so that year in Malawi, back about 1981. Just taking a breath was a chore in the sweltering heat and humidity! I think that was the year when our package from grandparents back in the States got lost. Forever lost! The year that our son sprained his ankle and spent much of his time in a recliner, looking at what few things we’d been able to assemble from our limited shopping, to put under the tree. I just couldn’t get in the mood to cook that year. At least not Christmas dinner. Didn’t even want to light the gas flame to boil water! So, at noon on Christmas Eve Day, most of the food was sitting there untouched. I asked the other three if they had any suggestions, any ideas about what they might could eat if I made it. “Potato salad,” our son James suggested. Renita, our daughter, agreed with more enthusiasm than she’d shown about anything in several days. “What else?” I asked. “That’s all!” they both chimed together. I must have looked shocked as I turned to my husband for ideas. He agreed with the children. They got their request. And got it again at noon on Christmas Day. Because that’s what they asked for. It was the biggest bowl of potato salad I had ever made--twice!! It must have been about 2 o’clock in the afternoon, as we sat around the empty Christmas tree, when the heavens suddenly opened for the first time in many weeks! I do not ever recall a more refreshing rain. It felt spiritual! As spiritual as what happened earlier that morning when we’d gone to church, the usual custom in Malawi. It was a very special Christmas to the African children because the church had managed to splurge enough to buy everyone a Coca-Cola. Not on ice, of course. African children have never seen ice. Just room temperature. What more could we want? We’d had chilled potato salad and iced tea in addition to more gifts than most African children could ever imagine. Sometimes reflections like this help me put it all in perspective. I remember just how blessed I am. To have had the privilege to have known so many blessed Christmases, especially the memorable one in 1981!
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Fri 12/14/2007
When Experience Doesn't Count Much
Topic: coping
Despite his training, a chaplain, the brother of a local man killed in last week's mall shooting here, says he isn't functioning well right now. "I can be a chaplain for other people, but on my own behalf, I am useless. I am devastated by this horrible turn of events," he said. "When I heard it, I had no response. I sat there and cried. That's all I could do." Sometimes I find it hard to admit that I also struggle to cope with the many changes in my perception of reality that I've been forced to experience over the past two decades. One would think that with so much past personal experience, observing and coping with crises of others, I should have learned. There's that "should" word again, and it's never helpful. Truth is that things like abuse, collusion, extreme denial and limited understanding about abuse and collusion in most people I know, cancer, disability, mall shootings, and many other big issues challenge ALL of us. No matter how much we believe we are prepared. Even with a wide degree of professional experience. Sometimes all we can say to ourselves are the very words that we don't find coming much from others. "I am sorry." Taking time to comfort ourselves, while not wallowing in our own tunnel vision of life's challenges. Thereby, being able to see others' grief issues. Even in people we've never met, but need to understand in order to find spiritual growth. That is a challenge for all of us, professional or not.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Updated: Fri 12/14/2007 6:33 AM CST
Thu 12/13/2007
Antisocial Tendencies
Topic: coping
Right on the tail of paranoia comes another stumbling block. Antisocial personality tendencies. In a desire to be understsood, we all have a tendency to go toward people we believe can empathize with us. We cluster, feeling most comfortable with folks who have similar problems or education or income levels or a similar belief system. I cannot think of a single relationship in my life that has been a close one without at least one of these similarities as a factor. Can you? There is an odd quality that I have, for whatever reason. Unlike most senior citizens, I have very few friends who are my age or older. I tend to bond much more easily with those at least ten to thirty years younger. As I reflect on the young man who became famous for all the wrong reasons last week, here at the mall, I wonder what would have happened if he had been befriended by a lot of mature people in the general population who were committed to being there for him, willing to invest their time and energy into supporting him. One family did. I've been impressed, though not with the limited exposure that this family's generosity has gotten. They've had the mother of two sons on the news, the woman who generously took the boy in after he was no longer a ward of the state. She poured her heart and life into trying to make a difference, obviously. She was the last person he talked to, in a phone call, just minutes before he could be seen on the security cameras coming into the mall to survey things, then leaving for a few minutes to prepare his ammunition before quickly making his way straight to a nearby elevator into hiding. I want to think that this kid was so different from anyone I know. I'm really not at all sure. I believe such kids are all around us. Growth requires that I stop looking for people who have all of the similarity factors in common with me. Instead I need to overcome some of my own tendency to shy away from people who are quite different from me. Thereby moving toward a more social personality. Maybe that's a growth issue for you, as well. It certainly is an important one as we mentor new generations!
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Wed 12/12/2007
Paranoid Tendencies
Topic: coping
Feelings do not make facts. Whenever I feel that others do not care or imagine that they are doing something to actively harm me, I need to stop and examine my feelings. I know that much of the challenge in any case is that we never know what other people are thinking or doing. Yet we need to admit that we cannot prove many things. To believe that we can is a control issue. It's certainly an issue for me at times. Constantly I'm asking myself to consider my own personality tendencies. We can guess. We can look at the tendencies in society, too. We get into serious trouble, though, when we start believing with certainty that people are against US. Truth is that people act out of fear and anger. Sometimes AT us because they haven't stopped to examine their own paranoia. They haven't stopped to consider that it's not a person that is the problem. It's those irrational feelings that keep us from focusing on the facts. If we want to rise above the people who oppress us and keep our issues from coming to the surface, it's important to consider the facts, as well as the feelings behind the facts. Paranoia is a symptom of serious dysfunction, whether it's found in a survivor or in the leaders of the institutional church. Too bad that it keeps us from removing the beams we see in others' eyes. These are some of the spiritual lessons we didn't get in Sunday School. The lessons we need to teach our children.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Updated: Wed 12/12/2007 11:27 AM CST
Tue 12/11/2007
Tendencies, Starting with Narcissism
Topic: coping
Depending upon your understanding of personality disorders, you may need to go back and do a little research before diving into this blog over the next few days. It's research well worth doing, perhaps providing some understanding of your own issues, as well as the issues of some you befriend or meet along the way in survivor circles. I know that some have an aversion to the use of diagnoses. However, they can be very helpful in understanding some of the issues that are long-term. While some survivors have fullblown personality disorders before they actually experience abuse, others develop personality disorders because of the abuse. This makes treating depression, substance abuse, and all other psychiatric disorders much more difficult. Still others never have had and still do not have a personality disorder. Often, I've noticed, that all of us who have spent much time trying to face the issues of abuse and collusion, are prone to develop what is known as "tendencies" toward a personality problem. It is important to guard against these tendencies, to try to get them in the bud whenever possible. I think this is where therapy is often very helpful. These aren't just tendencies that develop from abuse. They can occur with any crisis that seems to absorb such a huge block of one's time and energy. When something unusual develops. That unusual thing can sometimes be considered something that gives a person a sense of being "special" or having a "special problem," rather than just a problem that others have not experienced. On the one hand, there is a sense of anger that others have not had the problem, which we believe keeps them from understanding--a fallacy in thinking itself. People CAN understand others' problems without experiencing them, at least to a very large degree. With narcissistic tendencies, the sense of entitlement kicks in. Thinking goes like this: "Because I'm special, I have a right to....." When we start thinking like that, it's important to see the red flag. Abuse victims do not have a monopoly on suffering. Nor on rights, as important as those are. If every person who had a tragedy in our world claimed to have the worst problem with a mountain of rights to go with it, a long laundry list of what the world has to do or see, then the small percentage of people who do not have "special" problems would find themselves unable to meet the needs. At the risk of sounding uncaring, I need to leave you with this: Sometimes what we need to do is stop and put some things into perspective if we are to grow past the unique challenges we have faced in this world that seem to be totally void of justice.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Updated: Wed 12/12/2007 11:26 AM CST
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