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Thu 05/15/2008
Putting the Past and the Future into Perspective
Topic: coping
Ralph Waldo Emerson said: "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters, compared to what lies within us." What lies within us motivates us in our personal growth so that we become what we never imagined was possible in our relationships and often in our aspirations to achieve. What lies within us can keep us moving toward life and away from whatever would drain our energies. If it does not do this, the reversal of this process takes us into a downward spiral. For we cannot stay stagnant as the world changes around us.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CDT
Updated: Wed 05/14/2008 9:41 PM CDT
Wed 05/14/2008
Giving Up Control
Topic: Power
Some of the power dynamics that complicate the issues of forgiveness have to do with control issues. We forget who is responsible for what. When it comes to clergy perpetrators, the people who are supposed to be responsible have become very irresponsible in most cases. Just as the perpetrators. When it comes to abuse in the home, it's often the mothers who become as irresponsible as the fathers. So the vulnerable ones decide to be "in charge." They take control. Or, in actuality, think they are going to take control of forces they cannot really control, though they may speak in a loud voice that gets the attention of a few people in power. Well, at least for a few minutes. The voices of the vulnerable are experienced as a threat to those who DO have the power and are supposed to be responsible for exercising control. Weaker people in systems have always been chided for their unwillingness to quickly forgive. Before things are set right. The cry for forgiveness is an added burden, placed on the oppressed, taking the focus off the persons who have been irresponsible (though they do not see it that way, in their own convoluted DIM thinking). No matter how much good an organization or institution does, no matter how often it has been "the good parent" in spite of the moments of great transgression that it refuses to own, the healthy cries of the vulnerable will insist: "We will extend what you call 'forgiveness' when you have taken full responsibility for your transgressions. It is confession that we have wanted to hear, but we no longer need to hear this in order to feel whole. We may walk away in order to care for ourselves--sometimes for a season and sometimes permanently--yet this is not to be equated with 'forgiveness.' It is only for self-preservation because we refuse to let you further destroy our lives or take up time trying to control you when we do not perceive you have ears. You are responsible still, whether we continue to remind you or the world of this fact. We cannot and will not DO YOUR WORK of holding all of the perpetrators responsible. True power does not come from money--we have learned this. So even taking your coffers will not make you contrite. We are not even responsible for holding individual perpetrators who have harmed us responsible. Nor of holding you responsible. We are only responsible for caring for our own souls, and we can do that. We'll talk about forgiveness when we've seen you taking responsibility. We may choose to continue speaking out or taking you to court or providing education or comfort for those harmed. At the same time, we'll find ways to embrace joy, love, and faith as we now understand it, wherever we live and move. For WE are free of the need to control others or to further dialogue with you, knowing that you are in spiritual bondage because of your own power abuse, whether you acknowledge this or not. The ball is in your court." As you wrestle with these issues of "forgiveness" and "recovery," please keep in mind that the answer does not lie in destroying the institutions. It lies in finding ways to re-envision or re-imagine all institutions that are in need of taking steps toward restructuring and creating radically healthier ways of thinking and believing, confessing the sins of patriarchy in all it's forms (gender-related or not) in order to do greater works than they have ever done, with more safety and caring than ever before.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CDT
Updated: Wed 05/14/2008 9:22 PM CDT
Tue 05/13/2008
Refusing to Clear Our Eyes
Topic: spirituality
Last Sunday, Ron and I visited a church that we sometimes attend, sitting near the back, where we are most comfortable these days. Especially since Ron, with his inability to sit long due to his disabled back, has to get up and move around a lot. Having been in leadership--both of us--for so many years until 2001, with Ron still getting paid for leading after our "resignation" in 1988, we are becoming more comfortable with sitting in the back and just observing. Being in that position frees us both up to be other things that we have become, in fact. So there we were, singing a new song--well, not really a new song, but certainly new to me. As many of you know, I am equally interested in the words (the writer in me) as I am with the melodies and harmonic choices of the musical composition (the musician in me). So there I was, trying to figure out where the alto was while examining the musical tracks, along with the lyrics. That's when it hit me--the humor, as I saw it--in one line of the lyrics. So funny that I laughed out loud. Much louder than I intended! No heads turned, so maybe it wasn't as loud as I feared. Yet loud enough to embarrass Ron, who embarrasses much more easily than I. The words I found myself singing were: "Our women see visions. Our men clear their eyes." Now, the way I read it, those words could only be expressions of facetious cyniscism. Words that expressed so well my sentiment. Just couldn't figure out what we were doing singing them out of a hymnbook commonly used in mainline circles. These were my thoughts until we got home and I started discussing with Ron the reason I'd laughed. He hadn't seen humor, but immense truth in the words. Found them refreshing, though--all because he'd apparently understood one pronoun to refer to the male gender, while I'd seen it referring to the female. As he explained it: The male author of these lyrics saw that women were able to see what should be and to lead men to open their eyes. Instead I saw what I believe to be reality most of the time, especially when I'm in a cynical mood. I thought it strange and really a work of art for the thoughts to be woven into a hymn in the way I perceived them to be. Yet, it was the message for the day, for me, anyway. Women like me often see what they have always believed to be reality, only to learn when men "clear our eyes" that we aren't seeing reality at all; but a vision of what needs to be. When we get our eyes cleared, we start to claim that vision as a fantasy, but also as a dream. We refuse to give up the vision, even though we realize it is only a vision. We have our eyes "cleared" by men who often really see things the way they are and see them as okay being that way, from inside their own system. Yet we continue to embrace the vision, working toward the impossible dream while learning to recognize that it is only an aspiration that we insist men and women alike strive for. All while accepting that it will probably never be. Kind of goes along with the adage that my friend Olga sent me, on a long list in a forward recently: Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. In this case, I needed my eyes "cleared," though. Once again. Though I still like the humorous version that I'll always see if I find myself singing this song again.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 8:36 AM CDT
Updated: Tue 05/13/2008 8:39 AM CDT
Sun 05/11/2008
Transcending It All
Topic: spirituality
One of my daily readers recently wrote about her unresolved process in resolution with the church and her perpetrator. I decided that some of the words I used in replying to her e-mail were what I was wanting to say to you today about what is commonly referred to as "healing"--a process that means many different things to different people. >>>What you have to do is to find ways to transcend it all and nurture your own soul. That's a very individual decision that requires much creativity and exploration, I've found as I've done my own work and worked with others. There is no pat answer for everyone, and we have to learn to respect choices about what to do with personal belief systems, theology, and our involvement in systems that have betrayed us. All while knowing that we do not live in perfect worlds. <<<< If we did, we would each have messed it up already. Because we are not perfect ourselves, we have to forgive ourselves for failing to see reality clearly. Sometimes a failure to do so means that we cause a lot of pain in our families or in other contacts. So, if you happen to be struggling with interpersonal issues with your own children today, whether they are related to your own stresses with the church or not, I invite you to take a day to not dwell in self-condemnation. A day to rejoice in life and the opportunities it has brought, rather than the losses you've sustained. In so doing, perhaps you'll get a glimpse of what "healing" might look like if these things could continue to happen every day for a while. Whether you are a mother or not, whether you are celebrating Mothers' Day or not, please celebrate life. Happy Mothers' Day to all!
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CDT
Updated: Mon 05/12/2008 8:18 PM CDT
Fri 05/09/2008
Finding Words that Work
Topic: coping
Because good words used as weapons sometimes carry a lot of burdensome weight, I find myself often stopping in the middle of conversations to take care of the feelings that a word may generate. Or to correct a misunderstanding in how I've used it. I've noticed this to be a common problem when conversing about any sensitive issues. Forgiveness, when rightfully used, applies to the process of an individual of equal or greater power giving some sort of pardon to another. Some would interpret it to mean a total pardon. Others understand that this is a form of spiritually letting go or "leaving a person's destiny in the hands of God." Others would say it means that the forgiver no longer holds a personal grudge against the offender and no longer expects anything in return. There have been whole books written on the subject of forgiveness, with elaborate definitions offered by the various authors. I find it impossible, as a person who specializes in understanding collusion with clergy sexual and domestic violence, to accept any of the definitions that I've studied for years. So, at the risk of confusing things further, I'll throw my own in the mix, for consideration. As I understand it, forgiveness means extending unconventional love to a person that I perceive has harmed me, no longer requiring that the person pay a debt to the offended that the offense would seem to require. I do not see anywhere in Christian scripture that says anyone has a right to demand that forgiveness be extended by any victim toward a member of the clergy. In all instances, forgiveness in the Bible was from a person with more power to a person of lesser power OR "brother to brother" (so inerrantists should see this as women being exempt?) Nor is it required by a child toward his or her parents who have blatantly abused their offspring. These power dynamics are simply not present with clergy offenders. Only God can extend unconditional love in such cases, so I'll consider that decision to not be my concern! When the church fails to hold accountable those who have great power, but use that power to harm the ones placed in their hands for safe-keeping, the church has no RIGHT to "forgive them." To do so is to betray victims again while neglecting to exercise the powers that the clergy and church leaders have had invested in THEM. Only when an offender steps down willingly, without being forced to do so, and shows a persistently contrite heart with open confession and submission to full public exposure can an abusive or violent offender in the pulpit even be considered a subject for forgiveness. These conditions, to my knowledge, have never been met by any offender. For arrogancy, sometimes disguised with an appearance of humility (not to be confused with shame), seems to be a universal trait of offenders. Forgiveness is NOT a step in rising above or transcending the soul trauma that has been rendered to victims. Neither is it a step in what the church calls "healing," ANOTHER word the church doesn't understand. When victims, survivors, or advocates adopt these garden-variety definitions of good words that the church places generically on all people, it is a form of self-betrayal--and self-betrayal, done whenever we play the old tapes of colluders while failing to look deeper at the complex issues, is what most often keeps people in bondage, unable to rebound, rising again, transcending. Now, those are words that work for me.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 5:28 AM CDT
Thu 05/08/2008
Impure Projection
Topic: Making Changes
It's my problem, and I've been trying to figure out WHY it's a problem for me. Simply stated, I don't like generic terms to be used when dealing with complex problems. That's why I asked, without being able to fully explain, that participants in last weekend's retreat refrain from using the words "healing" and "recovery." They are good words, but so trite that they don't describe the specifics of what the speaker is talking about. And the speaker may have a totally different idea than the listener. Same with "forgiveness." That's the word I call the F word, while I prefer to call "healing" the H word. Partly, because both of these words have been used as weapons so many times by people of the institutional church. Used whenever the speakers want to see victims as sick or unforgiving, when the system refuses to admit that it is the one with these diseases, not the survivors who are speaking truth!!! It's pure projection! Or, technically speaking, very impure projection. Sadly, so often victims--both primary victims and those who deeply love them--have internalized the warped meanings. The results are self-inflicted wounds. I've actually had some rather extensive training and experience in both nursing and writing. Both of these disciplines have discouraged me from using generic terms as I prepare individual documents. In nursing, those documents would be the elaborate care plans that patients never see, especially in psychiatric nursing. My instructors (and later the inspectors) would have required a thorough explanation of what outcomes I wanted to see in my patients if I ever chose to use "healing" or "recovery." They would want me to describe the signs or steps I intended to go through in achieving this--to paint a picture of what this generic thing called "healing" or "recovery" would look like in THIS INDIVIDUAL, not in a general group of people. Same goes for writing--we are supposed to always look for the most specific word we can find in order to create a unique manuscript that communicates ideas nobody else in the world has ever communicated. Not that I always do that, but that's my own individual goal as a writer. So, over the next few days, I'm going to be expounding on these thoughts that probably leave you somewhat baffled today. Baffling is not a bad place to be. It can get us thinking and out of our individual ruts--about all of the generic terms we've learned to accept as "good enough" when we fail to dig deeper than ever before.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CDT
Wed 05/07/2008
R - E - S - P - E - C - T
Topic: coping
R - E - S - P - E - C - T the song rings out. I'm working on a re-write of that familiar tune. Can't get it to quite fit the melody yet. Maybe I'll find a way to keep the beat, but re-write parts of the melody. When finished, it will sound something like this: "R - E - S - P - E - C - T -- That's what I don't need, you see, From those whose lack of integrity Caused them to lose all respect from me." When I have self-respect, I have everything. When it wanes, then it's time for me to take inventory.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 7:14 AM CDT
Tue 05/06/2008
Watching and Waiting
Topic: spirituality
"Watching and waiting" isn't necessarily being passive. Sometimes it's soul work. When I am so anxious or worried about others' ability to do something that I think is so important, I find it incredibly hard to wait until they decide that it is important. I think this is especially hard for us parents and grandparents because we somehow believe that if we had just done everything right, then our children would be as wise as we think they should be at this moment. We forget that they are individuals and that their worlds do not revolve around us or what we say or do, said or did. Nor should they! As they become increasingly independent, falling on their faces when we refuse to pick them up even if they are slow learners, we learn to let go of our desire to keep them both the innocent and the wise little souls that stay unshaped by others. As if all wisdom resides in their mothers! We learn to risk trusting them. We believe in their ability to find their own answers, and make it their sole responsibility for doing so. All while knowing that not everything depends upon us. One of the problems of people who are overly dependent on outsiders, either spiritually or emotionally, is that these individuals come to believe they are incapable of being an important player in the shaping of their own souls. Sometimes they learn this from their parents, who do not intend to teach them these things but end up doing so. On a practical level, this means they become incapable of finding ways to take care of themselves. The longer it takes for them to learn, the fewer easy choices they end up having as life goes on. As we delight in the things of this life, focusing on the abundance of good, despite the destructive forces that are out there, we are able to center on what we can and cannot control, to find our center, and then to be more responsible with the opportunities that come our way without holding onto the illusion that we are in control of the universe. Even if that universe seems to be centered around one of the many complex issues in this world. Or around just one individual, who may be capable of far more than we can imagine if we only let go of what we cannot change, forgive ourselves and others for not being perfect, and return to the most difficult work of all--that of attending to our own souls.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CDT
Updated: Tue 05/06/2008 2:42 PM CDT
Mon 05/05/2008
Remember Where Home Is
Topic: spirituality
Trauma and the shock that comes when we learn that our world isn't as simple as we thought it was yesterday seems to occur every time we turn on the TV. It also happens in our everyday life when we try to solve problems. For problems are often far more complex than we are comfortable with them being. If "home is where the heart is"--or in a spiritual sense "where the soul is," then we can be at home even in the midst of the storms. The problem is that our souls often do not feel at home as they become MIS-shaped by external factors or thoughts that pull us away from the truth about ourselves. At retreat this weekend, I was constantly reminding myself, as well as the participants, that it is possible to be "at home" in the spiritual sense, being a part of God's creative process of rebounding, no matter what my circumstances. The work of attending to our own souls, neither expecting nor depending upon others to bring us back to home, helps us cope with all we know and experience. When we learn to be open to new information, while carefully sifting out what we want to take into the soul that we continue to shape for ourselves. Or when we just patiently wait as we seek to be a part of finding answers for ourselves and our complex world, we are at home with ourselves.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 6:04 AM CDT
Updated: Mon 05/05/2008 1:32 PM CDT
Thu 05/01/2008
Time Out, Please
Topic: spirituality
Starting tomorrow, I'll be taking a break from the blog until Monday, May 5. During this time, I'll be leading a retreat for women who will come together as strangers, united by the fact that they hold an immeasurable gift that the church has rejected--the gift of speaking truth to power. The gift of teaching truths to those who see themselves as the spiritual authorities, yet cannot hold their colleagues accountable. To the point that it is now often front-page news! We will be seeking new insights into how to embrace the journey of living in Parker Palmer's "tragic gap." Learning from one another. My expectation is that we will all return with our cups over-flowing because of having been together, having found new friends in person. This is the usual outcome of such retreats. You'll be getting some of that spillover next week. Please hold us up in your thoughts and/or prayers.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CDT
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