Topic: Power
Some of the power dynamics that complicate the issues of forgiveness have to do with control issues. We forget who is responsible for what.
When it comes to clergy perpetrators, the people who are supposed to be responsible have become very irresponsible in most cases. Just as the perpetrators.
When it comes to abuse in the home, it's often the mothers who become as irresponsible as the fathers.
So the vulnerable ones decide to be "in charge." They take control. Or, in actuality, think they are going to take control of forces they cannot really control, though they may speak in a loud voice that gets the attention of a few people in power. Well, at least for a few minutes.
The voices of the vulnerable are experienced as a threat to those who DO have the power and are supposed to be responsible for exercising control.
Weaker people in systems have always been chided for their unwillingness to quickly forgive. Before things are set right.
The cry for forgiveness is an added burden, placed on the oppressed, taking the focus off the persons who have been irresponsible (though they do not see it that way, in their own convoluted DIM thinking).
No matter how much good an organization or institution does, no matter how often it has been "the good parent" in spite of the moments of great transgression that it refuses to own, the healthy cries of the vulnerable will insist: "We will extend what you call 'forgiveness' when you have taken full responsibility for your transgressions. It is confession that we have wanted to hear, but we no longer need to hear this in order to feel whole. We may walk away in order to care for ourselves--sometimes for a season and sometimes permanently--yet this is not to be equated with 'forgiveness.' It is only for self-preservation because we refuse to let you further destroy our lives or take up time trying to control you when we do not perceive you have ears. You are responsible still, whether we continue to remind you or the world of this fact. We cannot and will not DO YOUR WORK of holding all of the perpetrators responsible. True power does not come from money--we have learned this. So even taking your coffers will not make you contrite. We are not even responsible for holding individual perpetrators who have harmed us responsible. Nor of holding you responsible. We are only responsible for caring for our own souls, and we can do that. We'll talk about forgiveness when we've seen you taking responsibility. We may choose to continue speaking out or taking you to court or providing education or comfort for those harmed. At the same time, we'll find ways to embrace joy, love, and faith as we now understand it, wherever we live and move. For WE are free of the need to control others or to further dialogue with you, knowing that you are in spiritual bondage because of your own power abuse, whether you acknowledge this or not. The ball is in your court."
As you wrestle with these issues of "forgiveness" and "recovery," please keep in mind that the answer does not lie in destroying the institutions. It lies in finding ways to re-envision or re-imagine all institutions that are in need of taking steps toward restructuring and creating radically healthier ways of thinking and believing, confessing the sins of patriarchy in all it's forms (gender-related or not) in order to do greater works than they have ever done, with more safety and caring than ever before.
