Topic: Shame
Today I got some good news. It came when, after three weeks of allowing my body to fight off what I thought was a cold that wouldn't go away completely, I decided it was time to go have it checked out by my very wise and friendly nurse practitioner.
Always fearing the over-use of antibiotics and knowing how providers are in a double-bind, sometimes fearing the loss of patients if they do not provide them, I assured her that I would very readily accept it if she told me just to go home and keep resting and forcing fluids. "just need some reassurance," I said.
Her conclusion, after a good exam: My body is probably just fighting the original onslaught. Fighting overtime, that is. Even though the threat is probably no longer there for me at all! Nothing of a bacterial or viral nature appears to be present anymore at all! I'm wondering if that's what often happens with me. Since I was a kid, my "colds" seem to have lasted 3 weeks on a regular basis--though this time, for whatever reason, it just feels worse than usual.
Ironically, before my horrific bout with cancer years ago, I hadn't had a cold in years. I later learned that's common with cancer patients. Not having colds occasionally isn't normal. In fact, it's a sign that our immune systems may not be working well at all--unless we live in a world that is unusually free of viruses.
This time, to get things settled down, I got a steroid injection. In less than 3 hours, signs are already decreased. Signs of a body "fighting" against the enemy that has already ceased to be a threat.
Seems to me this is how our internal emotional "immune system" can sometimes work, as well. With shame resilience, we can learn to protect ourselves from behaviors that will end up causing us more discomfort because of our tendency to over-react to perceived threats to our own well-being. Or to our precious ego's.
Wonder if steroids might help to short-circuit that process? Otherwise, I fear it could take more than a lifetime for all of us.
I think colds and cancer and shame may all have something in common. We need ways of fighting them off efficiently, so that we remain solid in our inner core, recognize problems when we see them, and learn not to have our reaction mode on "automatic."
