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Tue 11/18/2008
Eliminate Perfectionism
If we want to start feeling less shame, we must start having less perfection and idealism. That one hits pretty hard. "it would be nice" must replace "I have to" or "they have to" (in order to feel okay). We hear it all the time "nobody's perfect." I love to remind my students that they can have high standards and know how things need to be without expecting themselves to always reach those standards. They can be great students without being perfect. In fact, the perfectionists almost never feel good about themselves. I think that's why so many of them give up trying. It's all or nothing. Truth is it's not. To expect perfection is to set ourselves up for feeling a lot of shame every day. Cause we'll always have something that we think makes us "not good enough." The trick is to realize that not doing something well enough doesn't mean WE aren't good enough to accept our own humanity, our place in the world that will not always be the best of the group we are in.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 3:16 PM CST
Mon 11/17/2008
Acting out of Shame Vs. Acting Out of Discernment
Topic: Shame
Before I left for Brene Brown's conference on shame resiliency, I was talking with a friend, over lunch, about the upcoming conference. We were discussing where we could draw the line between guarded or discreet about self-revelation in certain circles and being ashamed of something in our life. How delighted I was when someone framed a question about this, directing it to Brown during the early part of her presentation! To paraphrase her answer: We act or speak in shame when we feel ourselves to be personally flawed. We hide behind masks or decide not to reveal ourselves to anyone because we do not perceive ourselves to measure up to the standard that we think the world holds or that we hold for ourselves, the idealistic self that's always sure that we aren't "good enough." I dare say that this includes most healthy neurotics. Though Brown didn't come out and say that in exactly those words, that's certainly what I deducted from comments she continued to make throughout the two days as she encouraged us to think about using a much more narrow definition of pathology than the medical model encourages. While broadening our understanding of the universal experience of shame-based "pathologies" that are in all of us to an extent, yet get labelled as "sick." On the other hand, as we reach toward greater health, Brown would have us learn to be careful and discerning about what we reveal about ourselves to some of our closest associates. That's because we all have our limitations about what we can accept. People we love dearly are going to have a hard time with meeting all of our needs for being known. They may do very well, for instance, in helping us to raise our children. Yet those same people may have some hang-up's about our deepest revelations. Such as our theological beliefs or a history of abuse. If we split the whole world into "good people" and "bad people," especially if we have multiple litmus tests, we are going to find ourselves extremely lonely. As we develop shame resiliency, we may WANT to reveal some very personal things to the whole world. We can do that because we come to the place where doing so is for the greater good and does not sacrifice our own well-being. Yet it is always a choice to do so, not a requirement for being healthy. Neither is it the "ideal" to do so. In fact, being discerning and having a wide circle of people with whom to share seems to be the best approach, whether or not we choose to "come out" about matters that the world will undoubtedly associate with shame.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Sun 11/16/2008
The Challenge of Our Different Needs
Topic: Shame
Unless I know you exceptionally well, chances are that I'll not respond to you the way you need in order to feel validated. You may or may not be prone to revealing what you need, either through body language or direct verbal requests. So many people believe that other people know what "everyone needs" when there is a problem. It's just not true. Not always, even in friendships, families, professional relationships, or marriages. We can love someone or care about someone very much, yet be unable to communicate that because we make assumptions. So others may be experiencing shame when we think we are being empathetic or comforting. It's tough to be emotionally honest with one another. It's hard for many people to ask for what they need or to not be accomodating. So resentment and shame enter the dynamics. Especially in the absence of shame resiliency on the part of either party. Mature people continue working on issues without obsessing over those same issues. Mature people know that conflict is inevitable, but does not have to be fatal. As we accept the fact that everyone has issues and everyone has shame, we can embrace the whole gamut of our feelings, learn to express them with clarity, and continue life's journey with increasing confidence in our ability to bounce back from issues that would weigh us down with shame.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Fri 11/14/2008
Seeing Shame Everywhere I Look
Topic: Shame
Funny how it works. Whenever we are afraid to see something, we don't seem to see it. It makes no difference how hard somebody tries to show us. Conversely, when we are intrigued by a new concept, we start seeing examples wherever we look. So when I came home from a weekend of studying shame resiliency, I began noticing all the stories in the media that illustrate the problem of shame. What amazed me is that this word that so many run from is a word frequently used in the media. Three examples in a 24-hour period: 1) An NPR story about the Great Depression. Families were so ashamed, the storyteller said. They thought that losing to the point of being destitute said they had done something wrong. Some were even ashamed to ask for help. Included in this group was my own grandfather, who took a gun out into the fields where nothing but corn stubble remained. He pretended that he was hunting rabbits, but never fired a shot. Just gathered the leftovers from the harvest in order to feed his family, a family that he refused to let the government help to support. 2) Another NPR feature was on the current high rate of unemployement. 20% of today's unemployed in America have a college degree. Due to their shame, they are much less likely to file for unemployment. 3) On the TODAY show this morning, the story of the family of Morton Berger, a teacher and synagogue leader who is serving a 200-year sentence for downloading child pornography. Seems like a very stiff sentence, considering how many get off for sexual offenses or murder. His family had no idea until police entered their home, no idea at all that this man was engaged in this behavior. Shock and shame--those were the two emotions they spoke of, showing that those who are guilty often leave so many around them in shame, even though the others did nothing wrong. Listen carefully and see if you can discover stories of shame. Shame--the universal problem, a problem that cries out to all of us, begging to be addressed.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Thu 11/13/2008
The Cure for Shame
Topic: Shame
There's really not a once-and-for-all cure for shame. We experience it over and over, as we move through life. Brene Brown would like for us to learn to identify the shame very quickly and nip it in the bud. That's the ideal, of course. Problem is the ideal and perfect never happens, as Brown wants us to understand. ONLY when we learn to see ourselves as normal, rather than "bad," because we have feelings or qualities or behaviors that are less than "perfect," (whatever that is to us).....ONLY then can we be self-compassionate and experience the empathy that we want others to extend to us--the empathy we would have in the ideal world that is void of oppression and stereotypes, where everyone fully understands every situation in every other person's life. The resiliency comes when we truly become our own person, not needing others' approval in order to get rid of the universal experience of shame that comes to us every day in some form. It comes even if we have not experienced trauma and even if we are a part of the "in-group" that seems not to have a care in the world. We all need help, some more frequently than others, to learn how to be self-compassionate. That's where we can all sharpen our ability to respond empathetically to others, always remembering that we are going to repeatedly fail to do so for the rest of our lives. No matter how hard we try. We can only hope to increase the frequency of being empathetic. It's a challenge to do so with our friends. A much bigger challenge to do that with our enemies or oppressors. Yet if we are going to bring about true change in this world, we must learn how to respond to others. I'll have a lot more to say about this in the future. Of course, trauma and deep loss will generally increase the degree to which we feel shame. Especially for children and youth, who have not had much opportunity to build a shame resiliency before they encounter a major challenge to their sense of self. Yet the silver lining in the cloud is that we do become stronger if we are able to navigate the deep waters that are filled with shame. That's a spiritual exercise that I'll address before long.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Wed 11/12/2008
For All Have SHAMED
Topic: Shame
Before the wheels of the plane had touched the runway near my home yesterday, I knew that I was going to have to do some more digging. Digging into the theological challenges, as well as the spiritual that Brene Brown's work raised for me. While her work on shame is not about religion--and she is clear about that--it is impossible for me to fully separate the theological from the spiritual aspect. For I truly believe that theologies of shame may be the greatest problem in our society. It was so refreshing to hear Brene say that she often has to re-write something that is being quoted in church, such as The Apostle's Creed. As some of you know, I've done that for years. Especially with songs. I even believe that it's okay to re-write Scripture translations. Or to even substitute words that the original writers might have used because of their limited or cultural understanding. OK, OK already!! I know some of you, especially Baptists, may be saying: "Enough already!" Could you just hold on a minute please? What if we understood "sin" as "anything that diminishes ourselves or others?" To me, that seems to work. As I look at the vast array of words, actions, and attitudes that are lumped into the tiny word "sin," it occurs to me that we might understand Romans 3:23 a little better by saying: "All have shamed and have felt shame. This universal experience keeps us from fully experiencing the glory of God." We can lump that with another of the top ten hand-picked favorites of so many who love shame-based theology. Romans 6:23. "For the consequences of shaming or being shamed robs us of life, but the gift of God is life that is full and rich and continues to resonate beyond the grave." Now, is anyone out there saying "AMEN?"
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Tue 11/11/2008
Shame Is Crazy-Making
Topic: Shame
With this entry, I'm adding a new category to the blog. It's called Shame. Not something that plagues some people while others are free of it. That's what everyone attending Brene Brown's conference should have learned this past weekend--unless they had a serious hearing problem. The event was her first national training for people wanting to learn how to utilize her work on shame resiliency. See http://brenebrown.squarespace.com/connections-curriculum/ for more information. The place to start, according to Brene is with ourselves. Increasing evidence of this was demonstrated with each new session. It was a shock to many of us who had thought we were rather resilient already! I found out that I have a lot to learn. It was a humbling encounter. Shame is a not a very acceptable topic. Perhaps because so many of us heard it used as "Shame on you!" while growing up. It is our responsibility to identify shame in ourselves, to distinguish it from guilt (which is a good thing, according to Brene!), and to be able to alter the degree to which we feel shame over time. Shame is universal. It's not something that happens just to people who are severely traumatized. That's a fact I find both disturbing and comforting. Maybe you will, too, as you hear more in the days to come.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Thu 11/06/2008
Away
This weekend, I will be in Houston. Travelling from Dallas with Renae Cobb, my virtual assistant for this site. We are going to be learning about shame resiliency. I'm hoping to have much to share with you when I get back to my desk on Tues., Nov. 11.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Wed 11/05/2008
The Fear of Leaving What's Become Comfortable
Topic: Making Changes
When teenagers even were given the privilege of occasionally visiting another internment camp, the "imprisoned" Japanese youth of the 1940's sometimes felt uncomfortable. Their worlds, built in just those three short years before they were allowed to begin returning to what was left for them on the West Coast, had given them the greatest sense of security. Captivity was familiar, in a way that it was for the captives in Egypt long ago, when they were suddenly allowed to go free--even if it was into the desert--to begin a new life. Like the children of Israel, the 19th century Japanese captives had little in their possession. And little to return home to. That was life for them in the "land of the free." It reminds me of what is psychologically ripped from the hearts and minds of most survivors who have experienced "imprisonment" without an acknowledgement of this, from the community of faith. The Japanese were essentially told that they were "welcome" to go back to their old homes. The fact so often ignored by others was that they had no status, no businesses, no property. It had all been stolen. They could not go back and be the people they once were. They were even afraid for their physical safety, and they certainly couldn't blend in, due to their stark appearance. Their fears were not paranoia. There was plenty of prejudice. It had grown immensely in a world where everyone had experienced some degree of trauma. They all had burrs up, even the people of highest character. For that's what trauma does to all of us, if left unresolved, without having a very clear picture of what is real and what is likely to be lurking nearby. When I think of what these people endured and how they managed to go on, I am in awe. What an inspiration! How did they even consider being kind to others who had not experienced what they had? How is it that most of them went on to push for American citizenship? Who would want to be a part of a land after such personal atrocities had been dished out? I wonder what kept them from saying: "America! It needs to just be destroyed! It's just full of a bunch of hypocrits that we can never trust!" The next generation got a little bit of financial compensation, provided they'd lived long enough. It didn't come until 1988, though, when "each surviving internee" was granted $20,000 and provided a national apology for a "grave injustice." Oh, that we recognize within ourselves the capacity we have for destroying others! Oh, that we recognize our capacity to overcome the destruction that others have put upon us, unknowingly or not!
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Tue 11/04/2008
The Pain of Rejection
Topic: coping
Today is election day in the U. S. Unlike many days when we sit around navel-gazing, and many think "we are the most important nation on earth," the world really IS watching us today. For it knows that so many things in their future can depend upon the decision we make, in choosing our next President. Please do not forget to go to the polls! Whoever gets elected, we must look to the future and get on with life. Even as we focus on the future, museums and stories from the past are important. They help us understand our deepest pain or longings. Richard "Babe" Karasawa, as a volunteer at the Japanese American National Museum (see http://www.janm.org/ ) , came to understand why he had always felt that he had to be an extra good American. It was driven into him at childhood. Not to be "extra good" came from the common syndrome of Japanese during internment. That of being a "rejected American." Perhaps, due to trauma of abuse in your past, you have come to share the feeling of having been rejected. That feeling was so frequently mine after being cast out for speaking the truth to my closest friends and colleagues. Perhaps it is what drives you to be the best you can be at anything you undertake today. Or maybe you've just given up and developed a mediocre set of goals. It can go either way. Or it can go a third, the way that is healthiest: Just be all you can be, in your own little world, without busting a gut in the process.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
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