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Mon 11/24/2008
No End in Sight!
Topic: Shame
We don’t do the work of maturing or changing our shame resilience level by going through twelve steps. The steps can’t be counted or measured. We don't get a grade at the end either. The steps are going to be different for each person, based on needs, personality, and history. Like theology, we long to put it into a simple little box. Forget it! The work is circular. We get this complex life figured out, along with ourselves, for a brief season of our lives--usually when we’ve had time to reflect and resolve the major issues of some trauma. Then--boom! Suddenly we realize that we didn’t have it figured out so well after all--not the trauma and not life either. The secret, seems to me, is to be grateful for the struggle. For when we stop struggling, we’ll be six feet under. The only people I’ve ever met who wanted to exchange the struggle for the grave were either in severe physical pain (most with a terminal illness) or severe emotional pain. Sometimes the struggle is to simply find hope so that we can climb out of the current hole. I’ve been in some pretty deep holes, and I know there will be more to come. Sometimes it would have been so much easier just to give up. Yet I’ve been fortunate to have experienced bright sunshine after each long, dark struggle because of what I understand as a faith that is ever-changing, deep inside. I rejoice that I’ve had the privilege of struggling and growing in spite of the challenges. And I rejoice to have had the privilege to walk with others as they find ways to love themselves and climb to new heights of understanding.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Updated: Fri 11/21/2008 8:28 AM CST
Sun 11/23/2008
My First Shaming Experience--a Moment of Truth Revealed!
Topic: Shame
Sometimes, according to Brene Brown, what psychologists label a "narcissistic wound" would better be described as a "shaming moment." That's certainly what I now realize happened to me during my first conscious recollection of shame. Believe me, it was traumatic! Unlike children who have been traumatized by their parents into believing that they are not worthy, I was conditioned to believe the opposite!! My first shaming moment came when I was eight years old. We moved. Moves weren't usually all that difficult for me. Compared to how most children experience them, I often welcomed the change. Good thing, since I had several big moves as a kid, though a lot fewer than during my preschool years when my preacher-father was still trying to "find himself." The problem was that third graders in the new city were doing much more difficult work than I'd ever seen. In second grade, they'd learned to write in cursive and learned much more difficult math concepts than I had. I was totally behind and scared to death. It didn't help at all to have been led to believe that I was the smartest kid in the world. I had been the smartest kid in MY world, up until then. If they'd had double promotions, my old school would have already had me in 4th grade cause I was a "problem child." I could do anything the teacher handed me before she could finish passing out papers, never missed a word, but certainly didn't get along well with my peers. Socially, I was a dud. For I'd been raised in a world of adults. Frankly, I was a spoiled brat with an over-sized brain! I know that now. Though neither my parents nor I saw the "brat" part. What a shock to find myself as "less than average" at school, and still struggling to gain the relational skills that were lacking!!! That experience altered my world--perhaps, unlike most incidents of shame, it served some good, along with bringing me down closer to the reality that I had needed to have about myself and the much larger world. It took a long time to get through the grief that allowed me to come to grips with who I really was. I'm not saying it was an experience every child should have at all. It took time to recover and to grieve over my loss of status. Perhaps it was a rather unique process of recovery from shame, as I learned to better integrate into the flow of traffic, where I wasn't the only kid in the fastest lane that seemed to be built just for me. Where I could learn, as I'm still learning, that it's okay to just be normal. Where to struggle with the wounds of shame IS the normal.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Fri 11/21/2008
When Trauma Lowers Shame Resilience
Topic: Shame
Children who carry a lot of shame have a fear of being unlovable. They have experienced a lot of trauma; and the more trauma they experience, the more the shame builds up. From my professional work with severely troubled children, I’ve noticed that it eventually takes very little trauma to send these children into an acute crisis. Their stress tolerance is SO low. They get pushed over the edge under normal, everyday expectations. Already believing themselves to be unloved, already believing that they stand on the brink of being shamed by adults or peers, with their beliefs being based on a good deal of reality because of their increasing inability to meet life’s demands, they find less and less empathy and compassion in a world that doesn’t just FEEL hostile to them. Truth is, it often IS hostile. Sometimes through abuse or neglect, sometimes because these children’s chronically unacceptable behaviors annoy the greatest saints among us! I’m talking about kids who, in their anger or rage, have decided to strike out before the world strikes first. Working with these children, if we are able to reach them and find an opening into their little souls, can be a deeply rewarding experience. It requires patience with a king-sized, capital P. Patience and persistence, laced with just the right mix of firmness and kindness, a mix that is tailor-made for each particular child. Try working on a unit of 20-25 children like that. Now you understand why we often said behind closed doors, giving reports to the next shift: “It’s just a zoo out there today!” Of course, not all kids who lack the basics in shame resiliency are hostile to others. Some are just hostile toward themselves, with even some elementary kids attempting suicide and needing to be watched to protect them from themselves, as well as others, every minute of the day. Adults who have experienced far less shame than the kids I just described or those who learned to cope by over-compensating, even while internalizing their extreme fears that are impossible to really measure, have to learn to love themselves and play beautiful internal “music” that is soothing and compassionate. Harder for some than others, but something that all of us have to learn in order to be healthy. The sooner the better. Since we truly need most to belong to ourselves in order to find that we are extremely worthy of love; and love is something we can always give ourselves, no matter how much betrayal we experience.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 7:45 AM CST
Thu 11/20/2008
Over-Reacting, A Sign We Need to Adjust?
Topic: Shame
Today I got some good news. It came when, after three weeks of allowing my body to fight off what I thought was a cold that wouldn't go away completely, I decided it was time to go have it checked out by my very wise and friendly nurse practitioner. Always fearing the over-use of antibiotics and knowing how providers are in a double-bind, sometimes fearing the loss of patients if they do not provide them, I assured her that I would very readily accept it if she told me just to go home and keep resting and forcing fluids. "just need some reassurance," I said. Her conclusion, after a good exam: My body is probably just fighting the original onslaught. Fighting overtime, that is. Even though the threat is probably no longer there for me at all! Nothing of a bacterial or viral nature appears to be present anymore at all! I'm wondering if that's what often happens with me. Since I was a kid, my "colds" seem to have lasted 3 weeks on a regular basis--though this time, for whatever reason, it just feels worse than usual. Ironically, before my horrific bout with cancer years ago, I hadn't had a cold in years. I later learned that's common with cancer patients. Not having colds occasionally isn't normal. In fact, it's a sign that our immune systems may not be working well at all--unless we live in a world that is unusually free of viruses. This time, to get things settled down, I got a steroid injection. In less than 3 hours, signs are already decreased. Signs of a body "fighting" against the enemy that has already ceased to be a threat. Seems to me this is how our internal emotional "immune system" can sometimes work, as well. With shame resilience, we can learn to protect ourselves from behaviors that will end up causing us more discomfort because of our tendency to over-react to perceived threats to our own well-being. Or to our precious ego's. Wonder if steroids might help to short-circuit that process? Otherwise, I fear it could take more than a lifetime for all of us. I think colds and cancer and shame may all have something in common. We need ways of fighting them off efficiently, so that we remain solid in our inner core, recognize problems when we see them, and learn not to have our reaction mode on "automatic."
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Wed 11/19/2008
When Shame Comes from the Group
Topic: Shame
When it comes to group dynamics, we all have some sense of longing to belong. In families, we want to feel at least peripherally a part of the family. We may choose to not attach ourselves at times and still feel very much a part. Same goes for the community of faith. While we hold beliefs, practices, behaviors, or attitudes as "foreign" to what we choose to espouse, it's possible to still connect with families or other groups. To connect on some level, that is. Healthy families and organizations--healthy countries and belief systems, too--accept differences that are within the bounds of what is healthy. People in these systems do not make excuses nor fail to hold accountable those who do not operate within the bounds of healthy. Problem comes when the "normal" or "healthy" varies widely by members within a group. For example, let's say a 10-year-old lad, at a family reunion, goes around and takes money from the purses that have been left trustingly by family members in a back bedroom. A younger kid sees his cousin in the act and cries out. Half of the adults laugh it off as "boys will be boys." Or make excuses like: "Oh, Johnny just has Attention Deficit problems." The poor kid who calls attention to the problem is the one who gets shamed more. He's labelled "tattle-tell." In this situation, the whistle-blower is shocked to find someone acting outside the bounds of what is healthy. Why, the very act of stealing from others within the family is an act of betrayal of the very principles he thought the family held dear! Yet Johnny may go on for years, being treated with "compassion" while the nameless child carries the sense of shame for expressing his horror at the serious problem. The family may even shun him or minimize whatever he says for the rest of his life with "that's just him" comments. What will be most important here is whether the nameless child continues looking to the family for signs of validation. Unless he is a very spiritually and emotionally precocious child, he will not dare to imagine that he has other options. Perhaps he will go outside the system, though this is unlikely for a child or an adult who has already been permeated by endless acts of shame. In going outside the system, he may learn, as Dr. Brene Brown teaches that the most important person to belong to is "ME." That's authenticity. And that's what allows us to still move in and out of groups with a resiliency to what they may do or say that would be shaming. The problem that the nameless child did not see is the same problem that people living authentically may fail to notice: The spontaneity that often springs us forward to speak with boldness, unintentionally, can shame others. Even people we love and care about deeply! How complex the applications! The more I think about them, the more questions I have. To act with authenticity, we must me in possession of the key ingredients. Brown says that these are courage, compassion, and connection. (See brenebrown.squarespace.com/ ) To take it one step further, survivors like the nameless little boy above may need re-connections. First with self, then with others. Even though the people to whom he deeply re-connects may not be those who have shamed him.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 8:31 AM CST
Mon 11/17/2008
Acting out of Shame Vs. Acting Out of Discernment
Topic: Shame
Before I left for Brene Brown's conference on shame resiliency, I was talking with a friend, over lunch, about the upcoming conference. We were discussing where we could draw the line between guarded or discreet about self-revelation in certain circles and being ashamed of something in our life. How delighted I was when someone framed a question about this, directing it to Brown during the early part of her presentation! To paraphrase her answer: We act or speak in shame when we feel ourselves to be personally flawed. We hide behind masks or decide not to reveal ourselves to anyone because we do not perceive ourselves to measure up to the standard that we think the world holds or that we hold for ourselves, the idealistic self that's always sure that we aren't "good enough." I dare say that this includes most healthy neurotics. Though Brown didn't come out and say that in exactly those words, that's certainly what I deducted from comments she continued to make throughout the two days as she encouraged us to think about using a much more narrow definition of pathology than the medical model encourages. While broadening our understanding of the universal experience of shame-based "pathologies" that are in all of us to an extent, yet get labelled as "sick." On the other hand, as we reach toward greater health, Brown would have us learn to be careful and discerning about what we reveal about ourselves to some of our closest associates. That's because we all have our limitations about what we can accept. People we love dearly are going to have a hard time with meeting all of our needs for being known. They may do very well, for instance, in helping us to raise our children. Yet those same people may have some hang-up's about our deepest revelations. Such as our theological beliefs or a history of abuse. If we split the whole world into "good people" and "bad people," especially if we have multiple litmus tests, we are going to find ourselves extremely lonely. As we develop shame resiliency, we may WANT to reveal some very personal things to the whole world. We can do that because we come to the place where doing so is for the greater good and does not sacrifice our own well-being. Yet it is always a choice to do so, not a requirement for being healthy. Neither is it the "ideal" to do so. In fact, being discerning and having a wide circle of people with whom to share seems to be the best approach, whether or not we choose to "come out" about matters that the world will undoubtedly associate with shame.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Sun 11/16/2008
The Challenge of Our Different Needs
Topic: Shame
Unless I know you exceptionally well, chances are that I'll not respond to you the way you need in order to feel validated. You may or may not be prone to revealing what you need, either through body language or direct verbal requests. So many people believe that other people know what "everyone needs" when there is a problem. It's just not true. Not always, even in friendships, families, professional relationships, or marriages. We can love someone or care about someone very much, yet be unable to communicate that because we make assumptions. So others may be experiencing shame when we think we are being empathetic or comforting. It's tough to be emotionally honest with one another. It's hard for many people to ask for what they need or to not be accomodating. So resentment and shame enter the dynamics. Especially in the absence of shame resiliency on the part of either party. Mature people continue working on issues without obsessing over those same issues. Mature people know that conflict is inevitable, but does not have to be fatal. As we accept the fact that everyone has issues and everyone has shame, we can embrace the whole gamut of our feelings, learn to express them with clarity, and continue life's journey with increasing confidence in our ability to bounce back from issues that would weigh us down with shame.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Fri 11/14/2008
Seeing Shame Everywhere I Look
Topic: Shame
Funny how it works. Whenever we are afraid to see something, we don't seem to see it. It makes no difference how hard somebody tries to show us. Conversely, when we are intrigued by a new concept, we start seeing examples wherever we look. So when I came home from a weekend of studying shame resiliency, I began noticing all the stories in the media that illustrate the problem of shame. What amazed me is that this word that so many run from is a word frequently used in the media. Three examples in a 24-hour period: 1) An NPR story about the Great Depression. Families were so ashamed, the storyteller said. They thought that losing to the point of being destitute said they had done something wrong. Some were even ashamed to ask for help. Included in this group was my own grandfather, who took a gun out into the fields where nothing but corn stubble remained. He pretended that he was hunting rabbits, but never fired a shot. Just gathered the leftovers from the harvest in order to feed his family, a family that he refused to let the government help to support. 2) Another NPR feature was on the current high rate of unemployement. 20% of today's unemployed in America have a college degree. Due to their shame, they are much less likely to file for unemployment. 3) On the TODAY show this morning, the story of the family of Morton Berger, a teacher and synagogue leader who is serving a 200-year sentence for downloading child pornography. Seems like a very stiff sentence, considering how many get off for sexual offenses or murder. His family had no idea until police entered their home, no idea at all that this man was engaged in this behavior. Shock and shame--those were the two emotions they spoke of, showing that those who are guilty often leave so many around them in shame, even though the others did nothing wrong. Listen carefully and see if you can discover stories of shame. Shame--the universal problem, a problem that cries out to all of us, begging to be addressed.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Thu 11/13/2008
The Cure for Shame
Topic: Shame
There's really not a once-and-for-all cure for shame. We experience it over and over, as we move through life. Brene Brown would like for us to learn to identify the shame very quickly and nip it in the bud. That's the ideal, of course. Problem is the ideal and perfect never happens, as Brown wants us to understand. ONLY when we learn to see ourselves as normal, rather than "bad," because we have feelings or qualities or behaviors that are less than "perfect," (whatever that is to us).....ONLY then can we be self-compassionate and experience the empathy that we want others to extend to us--the empathy we would have in the ideal world that is void of oppression and stereotypes, where everyone fully understands every situation in every other person's life. The resiliency comes when we truly become our own person, not needing others' approval in order to get rid of the universal experience of shame that comes to us every day in some form. It comes even if we have not experienced trauma and even if we are a part of the "in-group" that seems not to have a care in the world. We all need help, some more frequently than others, to learn how to be self-compassionate. That's where we can all sharpen our ability to respond empathetically to others, always remembering that we are going to repeatedly fail to do so for the rest of our lives. No matter how hard we try. We can only hope to increase the frequency of being empathetic. It's a challenge to do so with our friends. A much bigger challenge to do that with our enemies or oppressors. Yet if we are going to bring about true change in this world, we must learn how to respond to others. I'll have a lot more to say about this in the future. Of course, trauma and deep loss will generally increase the degree to which we feel shame. Especially for children and youth, who have not had much opportunity to build a shame resiliency before they encounter a major challenge to their sense of self. Yet the silver lining in the cloud is that we do become stronger if we are able to navigate the deep waters that are filled with shame. That's a spiritual exercise that I'll address before long.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Wed 11/12/2008
For All Have SHAMED
Topic: Shame
Before the wheels of the plane had touched the runway near my home yesterday, I knew that I was going to have to do some more digging. Digging into the theological challenges, as well as the spiritual that Brene Brown's work raised for me. While her work on shame is not about religion--and she is clear about that--it is impossible for me to fully separate the theological from the spiritual aspect. For I truly believe that theologies of shame may be the greatest problem in our society. It was so refreshing to hear Brene say that she often has to re-write something that is being quoted in church, such as The Apostle's Creed. As some of you know, I've done that for years. Especially with songs. I even believe that it's okay to re-write Scripture translations. Or to even substitute words that the original writers might have used because of their limited or cultural understanding. OK, OK already!! I know some of you, especially Baptists, may be saying: "Enough already!" Could you just hold on a minute please? What if we understood "sin" as "anything that diminishes ourselves or others?" To me, that seems to work. As I look at the vast array of words, actions, and attitudes that are lumped into the tiny word "sin," it occurs to me that we might understand Romans 3:23 a little better by saying: "All have shamed and have felt shame. This universal experience keeps us from fully experiencing the glory of God." We can lump that with another of the top ten hand-picked favorites of so many who love shame-based theology. Romans 6:23. "For the consequences of shaming or being shamed robs us of life, but the gift of God is life that is full and rich and continues to resonate beyond the grave." Now, is anyone out there saying "AMEN?"
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
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