The Truth about Finding the Truth
Topic: coping

Finally got around to seeing "The Secret Life of Bees" this week, even if I did have to go after 10 p.m. to fit it into my schedule.  Certainly was worth it!

Sometimes I take one little gem from a movie, one that I know I'll always remember.  From this movie, it was a young boy telling the main character that finding out the truth isn't nearly as significant as what you decide to do with it. 

As you all know well, deciding can take a long time.  Deciding WHAT to do includes HOW to feel, which is probably a pre-requisite for making a good decision. 

We have choices in how we end up feeling, though the initial, gut choices are likely to simply be spontaneous.  Our choices need to involve considerable thought.

Among the choices: 

--- shame that leads us to believe we are flawed because of an experience (because we were shamed at one time by someone

--- guilty when we have actually made a choice that showed poor character or wrong-doing

--- blame, which puts total accountability on others for everything we do, negating our responsibility for anything in the past, present or future, keeping us stuck in anger far beyond what the initial truth discovery reveals.

Being stuck in either blame or shame keeps us stuck in the past.  Taking things as they come today allows us to move on, continuing to make the wisest decisions for effective living.

 

The Pain of Rejection
Topic: coping

Today is election day in the U. S.  Unlike many days when we sit around navel-gazing, and many think "we are the most important nation on earth," the world really IS watching us today.  For it knows that so many things in their future can depend upon the decision we make, in choosing our next President.  Please do not forget to go to the polls!  Whoever gets elected, we must look to the future and get on with life.

Even as we focus on the future, museums and stories from the past are important.  They help us understand our deepest pain or longings. 

Richard "Babe" Karasawa, as a volunteer at the Japanese American National Museum (see http://www.janm.org/ ) , came to understand why he had always felt that he had to be an extra good American.  It was driven into him at childhood.  Not to be "extra good" came from the common syndrome of Japanese during internment.  That of being a "rejected American." 

Perhaps, due to trauma of abuse in your past, you have come to share the feeling of having been rejected.  That feeling was so frequently mine after being cast out for speaking the truth to my closest friends and colleagues.

Perhaps it is what drives you to be the best you can be at anything you undertake today.  Or maybe you've just given up and developed a mediocre set of goals.  It can go either way.

Or it can go a third, the way that is healthiest:   Just be all you can be, in your own little world, without busting a gut in the process.

For the Children
Topic: coping

Survivors often have to come to terms with not being able to do anything about the past.  Even about having the past validated or acknowledged.  Often, as hard it is, faster this can be realized, the faster one can build a personal future that's far different from the past. 

The Japanese parents who were shipped off to internments camps in the early 1940's, along with their children, knew there were many things they could not change.  Their personal, property assets were ripped from them.  Yet they were determined to give their children childhoods that were as happy as possible, filled with a sense of strong community, knowing how to cope when everything familiar is pulled away. 

They planted crops, established schools (even without furniture initially), kept things immaculate, and had dances.  Demonstrating to their oppressors that they could not possibly take away everything.

Each of us needs to take stock frequently, to live with gratitude, with our eyes on the things that really matter most for the future.  Certainly not forgetting the children of today and tomorrow.

 

Priorities in the Midst of Limited Resources
Topic: coping

When such luxuries as freedom and voice are taken, the number of choices a person has are seriously limited.   The focus needs to turn toward taking stock of  what remains, especially the things nobody can take away.  Once the re-assessment of resources and needs has taken place, how one decides to invest time and energy is up for evaluation.  At least, this is the process for the healthiest people.

There is an alternative.  Choosing it leads to depression, despondency, and more limitations.  The alternative being to focus, instead, on what one has lost--obsessing endlessly, becoming more and more furious, robbing one's self of the precious thing we call life, even as life in big chunks passes the victim by. 

I've read several of the letters to Clara Breed, the young librarian who chose to reach out to Japanese-Americans who were unfairly sent to internment camps.  It seems that the young people have succeeded in forming a support group.  They talk about their inconveniences--being moved frequently, living in uncertainty and crowded conditions, not being able to stay as clean as they wish to do (yet pouring much of their energy into doing so), and not being able to get tasty food.   Oh, how they miss sugar!   Yet you can almost hear them giggling and chattering, as they appreciate the small things and figure out how to cope.  

As they prioritize their resources, most of which are dwindling, they are most grateful for Ms. Breed's gifts that consist mostly of books.   Books!  A sign of wealth that cannot be easily taken from us today, no matter what the state of lesser riches like the stock market or our personal bank accounts. 

Ms. Breed, the librarian, knew this.  Her gift to those who had lost their freedom, even in this "land of the free" is a strong reminder for all of us today, no matter what we have suffered. 

The Courage to Heal
Topic: coping
Some of you may be interested to know that the 20th anniversary edition of The Courage to Heal is out.   http://www.amazon.com/Courage-Heal-4e-Survivors-Anniversary/dp/0061284335  No doubt the authors have learned much since the original publication.  Just as everyone in this work. 

Stress Relievers
Topic: coping

This weekend, Ron and I acquired two precious little kittens.  Brothers--we think they are brothers.  At least they are siblings.

As different as daylight and dark.  In fact, we could have named the grey one Night and the yellow one Sunshine.  Our 9-year-old neighbor had different ideas, and we liked hers.  Even before she saw them, just from the description, she decided they should be Thunder and Light'ning. 

I spent the weekend studying them, sharing them with the neighbors, attending to their needs. 

Although, when our kids were young, we had several litters of kittens and puppies both, I suppose I had less time for them back then than I do now.  Or maybe I've just become more observant.  At any rate, I was amazed at the difference in the personalities of these sweet creatures.

Sunshine, who looks like a tiger,  is the very pro-active one.  Or impulsive, depending on how you look at things from a kitten's point of view.  The fluffy grey one, Thunder, seems to accomplish just as much as Sunshine.  Yet Thunder sits back and watches to see how Sunshine approaches things before Thunder joins in. 

At one point, Sunshine was even bossy.  Crying to the top of his voice, leading me to believe something was wrong.  Not in the least, I discovered.  He was calling his brother to get out of his bed and come eat.

Don't tell the cat experts--these are farm cats.  We are keeping them outdoors by choice.  I'm thinking, as I watch them develop, perhaps I will examine their individual traits.  In my old age, I'm leaning more toward being a Thunder.  Of course, the way I see it, Thunder has nothing wrong with his voice.  He's just making choices that aren't quite as frisky.  Perhaps with more contemplation than his brother--who knows?  And maybe I should add, who cares?

Fear
Topic: coping

McCain says "The greatest economic crisis of our lifetime" when he speaks of the current situation.  My mother must be laughing.  Of course, she's older than McCain.  However, she has kept very fresh in her mind and in mine the Great Depression.  So this is certainly not the greatest economic crisis of her lifetime--McCain needs to change his pronoun to "my."

The old adage came from Roosevelt, back in those awful 30's:  "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."  I think this may very well apply to today's situation, as well. 

Fear is not the only thing we have to fear in our lives.  Not in every situation.  Sometimes fear is helpful in our choice of reactions, especially when we are in imminent danger.  The problem comes when we blow it out of proportion and let it rule our lives and our reactions to everything we do and everything we hear.

I'm refusing to do that, but it's a lot of work to keep things in perspective.

Fear
Topic: coping

McCain says "The greatest economic crisis of our lifetime" when he speaks of the current situation.  My mother must be laughing.  Of course, she's older than McCain.  However, she has kept very fresh in her mind and in mine the Great Depression.  So this is certainly not the greatest economic crisis of her lifetime--McCain needs to change his pronoun to "my."

The old adage came from Roosevelt, back in those awful 30's:  "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."  I think this may very well apply to today's situation, as well. 

Fear is not the only thing we have to fear in our lives.  Not in every situation.  Sometimes fear is helpful in our choice of reactions, especially when we are in imminent danger.  The problem comes when we blow it out of proportion and let it rule our lives and our reactions to everything we do and everything we hear.

I'm refusing to do that, but it's a lot of work to keep things in perspective.

New Perspectives Bring Comfort
Topic: coping

Revisiting a Place or Time
Topic: coping

As we learn to re-shape our stories, by going back over them many times, they certainly do take on new meaning.

Gelder suggests that it is good to either go back to the place where something meaningful happened or to try to re-create that place in our minds.  Either way can help us to see and feel the story in a different way.  Each time we go back, we are able to do this.  As we mature and get older and wiser, the feelings eventually can change, as well.  Partly because we may be able to increasingly separate from that moment and its feelings.  Or from a place and the feelings it evokes.

Several years ago, I took my husband back to see the house where my family and I lived when I was in high school.  It was a joyous time in many ways.  For I loved school there and had some wonderful teachers.  A few good friends that helped me understand myself and begin to blossom, too.  It was in the church there that I began to recognize and develop some of my unique strengths and abilities. 

It was also a very sad time in some ways--like so many things in life, there were strong contrasts.  My mother was quite ill when I was in high school.  The lot of being the "mother" to my much younger siblings fell to me.  It was a role I really did not mind or resent back then, but I have since come to realize how much my mother's illness robbed me of much of my adolescence while it taught me coping skills and self-esteem that have continued to come in very handy throughout my life.  Only as an adult, looking back on the story, have I gotten in touch with my fears and sadness that often clouded the brightness of those days.  The canvas on which life was painted had many colors in those years, and the picture was certainly unique--one of those stories that is very hard to capture in words.

As an adult, I've always seen that house where we lived as a large and luxurious home.  Truth is it was, compared to all the other places we had lived.  The others had been older and more on the humble side, though my mother and I were quick to make them colorful and homey as soon as we could after moving in to each place.

Somehow this place in Ardmore, Oklahoma was far from the sprawling place I remembered, however.  Time had re-shaped my ideas and opinions about what constitutes luxury.  It was quite small, in fact.  The beautiful brick was no longer so pretty.  The one-car garage didn't look up-to-date at all.  Certainly no longer a place of luxury.  It even needed a paint job. 

Going back allowed me to revisit the house, but more importantly the sounds and feelings of some of the stories that have helped make me into the person I am today.

What places do you possibly need to revisit?