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Thu 11/20/2008
Over-Reacting, A Sign We Need to Adjust?
Topic: Shame
Today I got some good news. It came when, after three weeks of allowing my body to fight off what I thought was a cold that wouldn't go away completely, I decided it was time to go have it checked out by my very wise and friendly nurse practitioner. Always fearing the over-use of antibiotics and knowing how providers are in a double-bind, sometimes fearing the loss of patients if they do not provide them, I assured her that I would very readily accept it if she told me just to go home and keep resting and forcing fluids. "just need some reassurance," I said. Her conclusion, after a good exam: My body is probably just fighting the original onslaught. Fighting overtime, that is. Even though the threat is probably no longer there for me at all! Nothing of a bacterial or viral nature appears to be present anymore at all! I'm wondering if that's what often happens with me. Since I was a kid, my "colds" seem to have lasted 3 weeks on a regular basis--though this time, for whatever reason, it just feels worse than usual. Ironically, before my horrific bout with cancer years ago, I hadn't had a cold in years. I later learned that's common with cancer patients. Not having colds occasionally isn't normal. In fact, it's a sign that our immune systems may not be working well at all--unless we live in a world that is unusually free of viruses. This time, to get things settled down, I got a steroid injection. In less than 3 hours, signs are already decreased. Signs of a body "fighting" against the enemy that has already ceased to be a threat. Seems to me this is how our internal emotional "immune system" can sometimes work, as well. With shame resilience, we can learn to protect ourselves from behaviors that will end up causing us more discomfort because of our tendency to over-react to perceived threats to our own well-being. Or to our precious ego's. Wonder if steroids might help to short-circuit that process? Otherwise, I fear it could take more than a lifetime for all of us. I think colds and cancer and shame may all have something in common. We need ways of fighting them off efficiently, so that we remain solid in our inner core, recognize problems when we see them, and learn not to have our reaction mode on "automatic."
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Wed 11/19/2008
When Shame Comes from the Group
Topic: Shame
When it comes to group dynamics, we all have some sense of longing to belong. In families, we want to feel at least peripherally a part of the family. We may choose to not attach ourselves at times and still feel very much a part. Same goes for the community of faith. While we hold beliefs, practices, behaviors, or attitudes as "foreign" to what we choose to espouse, it's possible to still connect with families or other groups. To connect on some level, that is. Healthy families and organizations--healthy countries and belief systems, too--accept differences that are within the bounds of what is healthy. People in these systems do not make excuses nor fail to hold accountable those who do not operate within the bounds of healthy. Problem comes when the "normal" or "healthy" varies widely by members within a group. For example, let's say a 10-year-old lad, at a family reunion, goes around and takes money from the purses that have been left trustingly by family members in a back bedroom. A younger kid sees his cousin in the act and cries out. Half of the adults laugh it off as "boys will be boys." Or make excuses like: "Oh, Johnny just has Attention Deficit problems." The poor kid who calls attention to the problem is the one who gets shamed more. He's labelled "tattle-tell." In this situation, the whistle-blower is shocked to find someone acting outside the bounds of what is healthy. Why, the very act of stealing from others within the family is an act of betrayal of the very principles he thought the family held dear! Yet Johnny may go on for years, being treated with "compassion" while the nameless child carries the sense of shame for expressing his horror at the serious problem. The family may even shun him or minimize whatever he says for the rest of his life with "that's just him" comments. What will be most important here is whether the nameless child continues looking to the family for signs of validation. Unless he is a very spiritually and emotionally precocious child, he will not dare to imagine that he has other options. Perhaps he will go outside the system, though this is unlikely for a child or an adult who has already been permeated by endless acts of shame. In going outside the system, he may learn, as Dr. Brene Brown teaches that the most important person to belong to is "ME." That's authenticity. And that's what allows us to still move in and out of groups with a resiliency to what they may do or say that would be shaming. The problem that the nameless child did not see is the same problem that people living authentically may fail to notice: The spontaneity that often springs us forward to speak with boldness, unintentionally, can shame others. Even people we love and care about deeply! How complex the applications! The more I think about them, the more questions I have. To act with authenticity, we must me in possession of the key ingredients. Brown says that these are courage, compassion, and connection. (See brenebrown.squarespace.com/ ) To take it one step further, survivors like the nameless little boy above may need re-connections. First with self, then with others. Even though the people to whom he deeply re-connects may not be those who have shamed him.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 8:31 AM CST
Tue 11/18/2008
Eliminate Perfectionism
If we want to start feeling less shame, we must start having less perfection and idealism. That one hits pretty hard. "it would be nice" must replace "I have to" or "they have to" (in order to feel okay). We hear it all the time "nobody's perfect." I love to remind my students that they can have high standards and know how things need to be without expecting themselves to always reach those standards. They can be great students without being perfect. In fact, the perfectionists almost never feel good about themselves. I think that's why so many of them give up trying. It's all or nothing. Truth is it's not. To expect perfection is to set ourselves up for feeling a lot of shame every day. Cause we'll always have something that we think makes us "not good enough." The trick is to realize that not doing something well enough doesn't mean WE aren't good enough to accept our own humanity, our place in the world that will not always be the best of the group we are in.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 3:16 PM CST
Mon 11/17/2008
Acting out of Shame Vs. Acting Out of Discernment
Topic: Shame
Before I left for Brene Brown's conference on shame resiliency, I was talking with a friend, over lunch, about the upcoming conference. We were discussing where we could draw the line between guarded or discreet about self-revelation in certain circles and being ashamed of something in our life. How delighted I was when someone framed a question about this, directing it to Brown during the early part of her presentation! To paraphrase her answer: We act or speak in shame when we feel ourselves to be personally flawed. We hide behind masks or decide not to reveal ourselves to anyone because we do not perceive ourselves to measure up to the standard that we think the world holds or that we hold for ourselves, the idealistic self that's always sure that we aren't "good enough." I dare say that this includes most healthy neurotics. Though Brown didn't come out and say that in exactly those words, that's certainly what I deducted from comments she continued to make throughout the two days as she encouraged us to think about using a much more narrow definition of pathology than the medical model encourages. While broadening our understanding of the universal experience of shame-based "pathologies" that are in all of us to an extent, yet get labelled as "sick." On the other hand, as we reach toward greater health, Brown would have us learn to be careful and discerning about what we reveal about ourselves to some of our closest associates. That's because we all have our limitations about what we can accept. People we love dearly are going to have a hard time with meeting all of our needs for being known. They may do very well, for instance, in helping us to raise our children. Yet those same people may have some hang-up's about our deepest revelations. Such as our theological beliefs or a history of abuse. If we split the whole world into "good people" and "bad people," especially if we have multiple litmus tests, we are going to find ourselves extremely lonely. As we develop shame resiliency, we may WANT to reveal some very personal things to the whole world. We can do that because we come to the place where doing so is for the greater good and does not sacrifice our own well-being. Yet it is always a choice to do so, not a requirement for being healthy. Neither is it the "ideal" to do so. In fact, being discerning and having a wide circle of people with whom to share seems to be the best approach, whether or not we choose to "come out" about matters that the world will undoubtedly associate with shame.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Sun 11/16/2008
The Challenge of Our Different Needs
Topic: Shame
Unless I know you exceptionally well, chances are that I'll not respond to you the way you need in order to feel validated. You may or may not be prone to revealing what you need, either through body language or direct verbal requests. So many people believe that other people know what "everyone needs" when there is a problem. It's just not true. Not always, even in friendships, families, professional relationships, or marriages. We can love someone or care about someone very much, yet be unable to communicate that because we make assumptions. So others may be experiencing shame when we think we are being empathetic or comforting. It's tough to be emotionally honest with one another. It's hard for many people to ask for what they need or to not be accomodating. So resentment and shame enter the dynamics. Especially in the absence of shame resiliency on the part of either party. Mature people continue working on issues without obsessing over those same issues. Mature people know that conflict is inevitable, but does not have to be fatal. As we accept the fact that everyone has issues and everyone has shame, we can embrace the whole gamut of our feelings, learn to express them with clarity, and continue life's journey with increasing confidence in our ability to bounce back from issues that would weigh us down with shame.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Fri 11/14/2008
Seeing Shame Everywhere I Look
Topic: Shame
Funny how it works. Whenever we are afraid to see something, we don't seem to see it. It makes no difference how hard somebody tries to show us. Conversely, when we are intrigued by a new concept, we start seeing examples wherever we look. So when I came home from a weekend of studying shame resiliency, I began noticing all the stories in the media that illustrate the problem of shame. What amazed me is that this word that so many run from is a word frequently used in the media. Three examples in a 24-hour period: 1) An NPR story about the Great Depression. Families were so ashamed, the storyteller said. They thought that losing to the point of being destitute said they had done something wrong. Some were even ashamed to ask for help. Included in this group was my own grandfather, who took a gun out into the fields where nothing but corn stubble remained. He pretended that he was hunting rabbits, but never fired a shot. Just gathered the leftovers from the harvest in order to feed his family, a family that he refused to let the government help to support. 2) Another NPR feature was on the current high rate of unemployement. 20% of today's unemployed in America have a college degree. Due to their shame, they are much less likely to file for unemployment. 3) On the TODAY show this morning, the story of the family of Morton Berger, a teacher and synagogue leader who is serving a 200-year sentence for downloading child pornography. Seems like a very stiff sentence, considering how many get off for sexual offenses or murder. His family had no idea until police entered their home, no idea at all that this man was engaged in this behavior. Shock and shame--those were the two emotions they spoke of, showing that those who are guilty often leave so many around them in shame, even though the others did nothing wrong. Listen carefully and see if you can discover stories of shame. Shame--the universal problem, a problem that cries out to all of us, begging to be addressed.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Thu 11/13/2008
The Cure for Shame
Topic: Shame
There's really not a once-and-for-all cure for shame. We experience it over and over, as we move through life. Brene Brown would like for us to learn to identify the shame very quickly and nip it in the bud. That's the ideal, of course. Problem is the ideal and perfect never happens, as Brown wants us to understand. ONLY when we learn to see ourselves as normal, rather than "bad," because we have feelings or qualities or behaviors that are less than "perfect," (whatever that is to us).....ONLY then can we be self-compassionate and experience the empathy that we want others to extend to us--the empathy we would have in the ideal world that is void of oppression and stereotypes, where everyone fully understands every situation in every other person's life. The resiliency comes when we truly become our own person, not needing others' approval in order to get rid of the universal experience of shame that comes to us every day in some form. It comes even if we have not experienced trauma and even if we are a part of the "in-group" that seems not to have a care in the world. We all need help, some more frequently than others, to learn how to be self-compassionate. That's where we can all sharpen our ability to respond empathetically to others, always remembering that we are going to repeatedly fail to do so for the rest of our lives. No matter how hard we try. We can only hope to increase the frequency of being empathetic. It's a challenge to do so with our friends. A much bigger challenge to do that with our enemies or oppressors. Yet if we are going to bring about true change in this world, we must learn how to respond to others. I'll have a lot more to say about this in the future. Of course, trauma and deep loss will generally increase the degree to which we feel shame. Especially for children and youth, who have not had much opportunity to build a shame resiliency before they encounter a major challenge to their sense of self. Yet the silver lining in the cloud is that we do become stronger if we are able to navigate the deep waters that are filled with shame. That's a spiritual exercise that I'll address before long.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Wed 11/12/2008
For All Have SHAMED
Topic: Shame
Before the wheels of the plane had touched the runway near my home yesterday, I knew that I was going to have to do some more digging. Digging into the theological challenges, as well as the spiritual that Brene Brown's work raised for me. While her work on shame is not about religion--and she is clear about that--it is impossible for me to fully separate the theological from the spiritual aspect. For I truly believe that theologies of shame may be the greatest problem in our society. It was so refreshing to hear Brene say that she often has to re-write something that is being quoted in church, such as The Apostle's Creed. As some of you know, I've done that for years. Especially with songs. I even believe that it's okay to re-write Scripture translations. Or to even substitute words that the original writers might have used because of their limited or cultural understanding. OK, OK already!! I know some of you, especially Baptists, may be saying: "Enough already!" Could you just hold on a minute please? What if we understood "sin" as "anything that diminishes ourselves or others?" To me, that seems to work. As I look at the vast array of words, actions, and attitudes that are lumped into the tiny word "sin," it occurs to me that we might understand Romans 3:23 a little better by saying: "All have shamed and have felt shame. This universal experience keeps us from fully experiencing the glory of God." We can lump that with another of the top ten hand-picked favorites of so many who love shame-based theology. Romans 6:23. "For the consequences of shaming or being shamed robs us of life, but the gift of God is life that is full and rich and continues to resonate beyond the grave." Now, is anyone out there saying "AMEN?"
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Tue 11/11/2008
Shame Is Crazy-Making
Topic: Shame
With this entry, I'm adding a new category to the blog. It's called Shame. Not something that plagues some people while others are free of it. That's what everyone attending Brene Brown's conference should have learned this past weekend--unless they had a serious hearing problem. The event was her first national training for people wanting to learn how to utilize her work on shame resiliency. See http://brenebrown.squarespace.com/connections-curriculum/ for more information. The place to start, according to Brene is with ourselves. Increasing evidence of this was demonstrated with each new session. It was a shock to many of us who had thought we were rather resilient already! I found out that I have a lot to learn. It was a humbling encounter. Shame is a not a very acceptable topic. Perhaps because so many of us heard it used as "Shame on you!" while growing up. It is our responsibility to identify shame in ourselves, to distinguish it from guilt (which is a good thing, according to Brene!), and to be able to alter the degree to which we feel shame over time. Shame is universal. It's not something that happens just to people who are severely traumatized. That's a fact I find both disturbing and comforting. Maybe you will, too, as you hear more in the days to come.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
Thu 11/06/2008
Away
This weekend, I will be in Houston. Travelling from Dallas with Renae Cobb, my virtual assistant for this site. We are going to be learning about shame resiliency. I'm hoping to have much to share with you when I get back to my desk on Tues., Nov. 11.
Posted by Dee Ann Miller
at 12:01 AM CST
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