Children who carry a lot of shame have a fear of being unlovable. They have experienced a lot of trauma; and the more trauma they experience, the more the shame builds up. From my professional work with severely troubled children, I’ve noticed that it eventually takes very little trauma to send these children into an acute crisis. Their stress tolerance is SO low. They get pushed over the edge under normal, everyday expectations.

Already believing themselves to be unloved, already believing that they stand on the brink of being shamed by adults or peers, with their beliefs being based on a good deal of reality because of their increasing inability to meet life’s demands, they find less and less empathy and compassion in a world that doesn’t just FEEL hostile to them. Truth is, it often IS hostile. Sometimes through abuse or neglect, sometimes because these children’s chronically unacceptable behaviors annoy the greatest saints among us!

I’m talking about kids who, in their anger or rage, have decided to strike out before the world strikes first. Working with these children, if we are able to reach them and find an opening into their little souls, can be a deeply rewarding experience. It requires patience with a king-sized, capital P. Patience and persistence, laced with just the right mix of firmness and kindness, a mix that is tailor-made for each particular child.

Try working on a unit of 20-25 children like that. Now you understand why we often said behind closed doors, giving reports to the next shift: “It’s just a zoo out there today!”

Of course, not all kids who lack the basics in shame resiliency are hostile to others. Some are just hostile toward themselves, with even some elementary kids attempting suicide and needing to be watched to protect them from themselves, as well as others, every minute of the day.

Adults who have experienced far less shame than the kids I just described or those who learned to cope by over-compensating, even while internalizing their extreme fears that are impossible to really measure, have to learn to love themselves and play beautiful internal “music” that is soothing and compassionate. Harder for some than others, but something that all of us have to learn in order to be healthy. The sooner the better. Since we truly need most to belong to ourselves in order to find that we are extremely worthy of love; and love is something we can always give ourselves, no matter how much betrayal we experience.